If Zombies invade, these tips will keep you alive and entertained.
10. Surround Yourself With Smarter People
Smarter people can think of cool and innovative ways to make weapons, block zombies from entering your fortress, and know about purifying water and other boring stuff that I don't care about.
When the zombies come, all I want to be doing is bashing their heads in with shovels while I wear a tie around my head and battle-war-cry like Braveheart all day. I do not want to be bothered with figuring anything else out besides bashing said heads in.
This is kind of similar to how in every action movie, there is always some computer geek hacking into the mainframe (yawn) while the star of the film is having killshots and cool one-liners (awesome). I want to be the star.
Also, it should be noted that smarter people have larger, more delicious brains than you. The zombies can eat those first!
9. Choose your group wisely
You need to choose people that will both help you survive and will clearly die first. That way, your chances of survival increase tenfold.
I'd suggest finding a strong African-American man who has a lot of weapons and wears army pants, a young pretty chick that is fragile and wears a lot of skirts, an annoying skinny blonde dude that carries a bow and arrow and plays a lot of video games, a gruff old man, and a crazy redneck.
If you can't find those, be on the lookout for an attractive and sassy Latina maybe-lesbian, an attractive town sheriff, or Cillian Murphy.
8. Have awesome killshot lines
This could be the only time in your life where you won't get prosecuted for murdering, because it is not illegal to murder the undead.
Also, there will be no 'justice' anymore except for 'street justice,' as the law and order system will probably be null and void because of all the zombie judges. They don't rule very fairly. Anyway, you can now commence your killing spree, and you need to have cool lines to feel like an awesome cool person as you decapitate some lame-o zombies.
Some interesting ones could be 'Merry Christmas motherf*cker', 'Happy Hannukah motherf*cker,' or any other holiday and the word motherf*cker. If you want to be super patriotic, say something like 'Welcome to America, b*tch' I've always wanted to kill somebody after saying a cool one-liner, and now's your chance.
7. Get out of your hometown
If you're not in a city, but instead at home in the place you grew up, just do yourself an emotional favor and run to the next town. That way, you don't have to kill all the people you grew up with.
It'd be really weird if you had to kill your third grade teacher, or your mailman, or the guy who served you hamburgers at the diner.
You don't really dislike them, don't really know them, and you really have no reason to enjoy smashing their skull in. It'd just be kind of awkward.
6. But find your ex first
I mean, just saying. After you have the 'baby, it's not you it's me' conversation, it might feel nice to use a brick on his face. He was already dead! It's not that bad or evil if he's already dead!
5. Put on comfortable shoes
I bet the first people who got turned into zombies were wearing flip-flops. For the love of all things living, please do not wear flip-flops during an apocalypse.
I suggest comfortable running shoes, even if they aren't the most flattering of shoes on you. Sure, they might be ugly, but they are functional and will get you places as you are escaping hordes of zombie idiots moaning after you for your brains. You'll thank me later.
Also, while we're on the subject of fashion, choose a tight outfit, perhaps a pair of skinny jeans and a tank top. You're definitely going to lose some weight, sister! But maybe wear a leather jacket so you look cool.
4. Team up with a very attractive person
That way, you guys can eventually have sex. In every zombie movie I've ever seen, the lead always finds some good looking human to run around with, usually one that is so tough and guarded because they have been hurt by so many zombies in the past!
Then they get all dirty and shoot a bunch of things, and you sit around in camps and talk about the things you miss when the world wasn't so infested. Chocolate! Candy! Oh my god will we ever get out alive?
Let's have sex and find out! Oh man, I'm truly hoping to bump into Michael Fassbender when I am running around trying to get out of the zombie hordes. Oh hey, Michael. Travel with me!
I have the normal brain of a human that will not feast on your flesh, and suddenly I just found myself totally in your league!
3. Avoid the zombie nerds
It's really going to be annoying when all the kids who were so obsessed with the eventual zombie apocalypse are running around like geeks with their kitanas saying boring stuff like, 'Break the stairs down! Fill the bathtub with water! I KNEW THIS WAS GONNA HAPPEN THIS IS AWESOME!'
Even though I am definitely one of those people, I will find those people extremely annoying and will want to punch them in the face when stuff goes down. It's like, okay, dude, you spent a lot of time in your basement reading zombie handbooks even though the likelihood of this happening really wasn't that big in the first place.
Good for you, virgin. Now, seriously, let's get to the problem at hand, which is staying alive. Stop being so smug about it, you're still a nerdy kid with a tight Metallica shirt.
2. Gain an insatiable thirst for blood
You're going to have to be doing a lot of stabbing. So if you were one of those lame kids who was like 'wahhhhh I'm so afraid of dissecting frogs in class and I hate giving blood' you better woman up or die first.
You have to void yourself of all emotion, like Bruce Willis or Samuel L. Jackson or Sarah Palin. You have to have the mind of a killer. You gotta be cruel to survive, and also kill pretty much everything that comes across your path. Enjoy it.
AHHH OH MY GOD THERE ARE ZOMBIES HOLY CRAP THIS IS A THING? IS THIS HAPPENING? I THOUGHT THIS WAS JUST NERD FODDER OH MY SWEET LORD RUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN.