It’s no secret that being a straight girl is one of the best things in the world. Not only do we get to wear fashionable tights and acrylic nails, we are allowed to scream excitedly in public without anybody thinking it too weird. If you are a straight female and you don’t thank your lucky stars every day for the blessed opportunity, you deserve to be a bisexual elderly person or something else that isn’t as fun. Here are some things that make being straight so great:
10. Never Being Objectified
Straight girls never end up on the cover of sports magazines wearing bikinis and licking their fingers. We are all respected members of society who celebrate Spring Break in a dignified, dry T-shirted manner. None of us have ever been photographed in fields wearing nothing but sunglasses and an open button-down. It's so nice to be thought of as more than a body.
9. George Clooney
We have the chance to make out with George Clooney. I mean, I may spend my Friday nights in sweatpants eating microwaveable mac and cheese, but I could still make out with George Clooney, right? Gay guys can't do that! I still have a shot!
8. The Joys of Hair Removal
Straight girls are, for whatever reason, expected to be relatively hairless. Sure, some other people wax their chests or shave their armpits or whatever, but straight girls need to remove every last bit of hair from their body. The only hair allowed are two arches above the eyes and luxurious tresses stemming from the head. The rest needs to be pulled and yanked out with hot wax or sharp blades. We must do this at the first appearance of stubble or else we will die alone. Our skin must always feel like a varnished hardwood floor.
Straight girls can cry anywhere, anytime. We're emotional creatures, of course, and we might be upset because they ran out of our favorite soup at the grocery store. Or maybe we're upset because that English bulldog reminded us of our ex-boyfriend. Who knows? Whatever, because we're straight girls we can cry everywhere all over the place and people will just smile and nod and just be like "oh look at that straight girl crying again how normal." So you can use this to just express your feelings, or perhaps to get your way when you want to go to the Italian place and not get Chinese again.
6. Making Out With Chicks
If there's one thing that a gay guy can't do, it's make out with chicks. I suspect it's because they think it's gross. But straight girls can make out with all the chicks they want and still say they're straight girls. Why? Because Katy Perry wrote that song! And guys like it! And because the serious issue of questioning our sexuality is way easier when it's done at a frat party!
5. Being Single is More Fun
Whenever you're single, instead of being able to "play the field" or enjoy the solitude, people look at you like you're about to gather a bunch of cats in your arms and start eating spoonfuls of butter. Because you're sad! And crazy! And saying something like "I'm not looking" gets the kind of response that one might get when they say something like "I think I'm going to run into traffic because I have lost my flavor for life." And then your friend sets you up with some creepy greasy guy who keeps asking you if you've seen WHAT ABOUT BOB? because even being with a whack-job is better than being alone. And oh, the crying yourself to sleep at night is fun too!
4. Wedding Shows
Being a straight girl means that we have one super-strength that no other kind of human on the face of the earth has: we can watch hours and hours of TV shows about weddings and not have our faces melt off in pain. Give us a bowl of popcorn, a menstrual cycle, and a couch, and we'll have no problem wasting four to five days staring at all kinds of women searching for a dress. Or looking at cake. Or looking at flowers. We will have a cry, we will laugh, we will Google "vintage 50's wedding dresses" so we can plan our own weddings. It doesn't matter if we're construction-working whiskey sluggers, we've all spent a Saturday afternoon watching "This Bride is Happier Than You" and deciding on a future wedding song.
3. A Ticking Biological Doom Clock
Straight girls can have babies, which means that our mothers, aunts, and other female family members know we can have babies. And also every other woman that we ever meet. So, the moment you hit 25, your uterus releases a scent that makes everybody ask you when you will have a baby with that uterus. Your uterus will also become a hundred pounds of worry weight as your animal instincts begin to pressure you into wanting to produce a spawn. On the other hand, your human logical instincts will see babies with their sticky jam hands clawing the soul strength out of their mothers. And you will feel conflicted. And maternal.
2. Getting Your Drinks Paid For
Listen, when girls go out to bars on Friday night, they usually leave their wallets at home. Who needs cash when you can wear deep cut V-necks and get your drinks bought for you? Sure, we might need to put up with fifteen to twenty minutes of boring "I'm a software engineer" conversation. And sure, we might have to give you our number so you can text us at 11:30 on a Friday night "watss up babe?" But you know, we don't have to buy our drinks! They're free! FREE!
1. Straight Men
Straight men are the best. Dating a straight guy means you get to experience so many wonderful things: hours and hours of '90s action films, a repression of emotion, and pastel blue polo shirts are just a couple of these great things. Grunts as a means of expression are another perk of man dating, as are testicle scratching and nacho breath. Nothing's better than dating a straight man because the more I know about football and Bruce Springsteen, the more I feel like I have a grip on greatness.