Chapter Five: Tales From The Darkside
So, you charmed your way in, and now you got a date with your dream Push Girl. Good for you, Stan! And don’t worry, we’re going to help you out here too by guiding you into what to do and more importantly what not to do. But this time, instead of telling you, we’ll just show you as, well, who doesn’t love a good dating story?
“My ideal first date would be (an Atlanta Braves) baseball game,” says Mia. “I love sports and think it’s a great way to get to know someone because there’s some downtime in the game and there’s also food. I also need to know someone can hang through a baseball game with me.”
Here’s a hint to Mia’s future fiancé: think Jumbotron! “I want to be proposed to at a baseball game,” she says.
Tiph’s ideal date? She’s had it! “My best date was with Miyoko. She took me to the ocean and she had a picnic packed. It was a real surprise. It was my first date on the sand and the ocean. We spent the evening watching the sunset and then later, watching shooting stars.”
Otherwise, take Tiph outside and “you just might have a chance at winning my heart,” she says. “I enjoy the simpler things in life, I don’t need a big extravagant fancy date. Just going camping or mudding in a truck is good enough for me.”
But what if they were to go on a dream date – like no rules (gravity, aerospace, time travel, you know, those rules) need apply? Mia still keeps it down to earth but her dream date requires a dream mate – someone who knows her and loves her. “My dream date would be the marathon date that naturally never ends,” she says. “We meet for brunch and we have such a good time we go to a park… and then we get hungry, grab lunch, go to an amusement park and then drive to Santa Barbara for dinner. Then we get a hotel room.” …And then they live happily ever after.
Tiph’s dream date is a little more complicated. “A magic carpet ride would be lovely,” she says. “And it’s a dream date – so I’ll walk everywhere. We’ll fly to the top of the Pyramids, then Stonehenge, Peru, Bali…”
You can’t have the good without the bad – and let’s be honest, we’ve all had our fair share of those.
The worst date Tiph ever went on was a night at the movies.
“I was with this guy who kept asking me out and finally I said yes,” Tiph says. “ We go to the movies and I’m like, ‘cool, we don’t have to talk,’ cause he’s not that interesting and in the middle of the movie he’s like, ‘I have to tell you something,’ and he kissed me. And not just any kind of kiss but he stuck his tongue all up in there and I threw up up a bit because he had the worst halitosis. Ugh. And this is how blonde I am – not only did I fall for it once, I fell for it twice. In the same movie.”
Mia’s also had a run in with bad kissing – but this time, it wasn’t the breath, it was the waterworks. You know, the kind that, when they’re done you feel like you’ve just run through a really slimy sprinkler? Yeah – you know.
“One guy tried to kiss me on the first date and he was such a bad kisser, I really didn’t know what to do,” Mia says. “I remember driving home and feeling like it was still on me … I thought that guy was gonna be a good kisser but nope, I was wrong about that one. And then he was like, ‘I really like kissing you,’ and I was like, ‘Oh no. nononono.’”
And then there are the “other” dates. You know, the ones where you’re just like, “Who raised you? Because even a pack of wolves has tact!” or “What planet did you come from and can you go back RIGHT NOW?”
Mia’s “Holy Hell” moment came right after she’d graduated from college when she was introduced through friends to a Jewish mothers dream: a nice, lawyer. “I ordered a drink – and he ordered an entire meal, a few drinks and dessert,” she recalls. “When it came time to pay the bill he jokingly told the waitress, ‘give it to (me).’ The waitress laughed but it turns out he was dead serious. I never wanted to see him again so I just paid the bill – and then on the way home he said, ‘So, when do I get to see you again?’ I was like, ‘Never. NEVER.’”
But at least Mia wasn’t thrown off her chair. Know that expression “knock your socks off?” Sounds cool until it actually happens. Tiph was once on a date, soon after she’d started using the wheelchair and thus wasn’t used to things like watching out for cracks in the sidewalk – to her detriment.
“Rolling in a wheelchair and looking at people directly in the eye as you’re talking to them and not paying attention is not the brightest idea,” Tiph says. She was on a first date with a guy when, after not paying attention to the broken pavement, she “flew into a bush and got stuck. It was muddy and the next thing you know it started to rain.”
It was clearly a sign from the Universe saying “NONONO” as the dude in question soon became a “stalker.” Don’t they always?
Girl, we have all been there.
For more on relationships, dating, and sex read Chapter 6 of ‘The Push Girls’ Guide to Getting Your Groove On’ by Paula Froelich (@PFRO).
Watch the all new season of Push Girls, Mondays 10pm.
Paula Froelich (@PFRO) – journalist, novelist, NATJA award-winning travel writer, queen of random, fun facts, and social anthropologist.