Sundance Films Top 10 Sexy-FAIL Moments

To count down to the Sundance Film Festival, we’re blogging about some of our favorite movie moments in the festival’s history. We’ve covered the Top 10 Lessons in Love, Top 10 Lessons in Young Love and the Top 10 Oddest Couples. This week, we’re featuring the movie moments that make you feel funny in a bad way, make you squirm in your seat, give you second-hand embarrassment or leave you holding your knees rocking back and forth saying “No” over and over.

  1. Clerks: Don’t you hate it when you mistake a corpse for your boyfriend and end up having sex with it in a darkened convenience store bathroom?

  2. Black Snake Moan: The moral of the story: Chaining a young, skimpily dressed, drug addicted, abuse victim to your radiator against her will in order to cure her of her raging nymphomania is the right thing to do. Jesus would be proud.

  3. Spanking the Monkey: Five words for you: sex with your own mother. Ew!!!! (And with a title like that, it’s not exactly Oedipus.)

  4. Downloading Nancy: It’s a psycho-sadomasochistic love story: she wants to die and he’s willing to help. See, Internet personals really do work! (Now we’re just waiting for the film version of that German cannibal who, via the Internet, found, killed and ate his willing victim…after they had sex and then tried to dine on his dismembered penis together — any festival submissions yet? No?).

  5. Little Miss Sunshine: The only thing more inappropriate than the Grandpa-choreographed stripper dance by 7-year-old Olive at the kids’ beauty pageant are the other “legitimate” performances by the Stepford babies.

  6. Teeth: Your first time should be special, romantic, and, most of all, consensual. If it’s not, then you have every right to bite off your assaulter’s penis with your sharp vagina dentata.

  7. Thank You For Smoking: The sex on a table between Katie Holmes and Aaron Eckhart might have been kind of hot… if we hadn’t been too busy imagining the lengths Tom Cruise went to try to get it pulled.

  8. Savage Grace: Threeways are hot, except when two of the participants are a homophobic mother and her gay son. (See “Spanking the Monkey” above.)

  9. Sick: The Life and Death of Bob Flanagan, Supermasochist: When the protagonist of this documentary drives a nail through his peen, that’s pretty much THE definition of sexy-FAIL.

  10. This Film Is Not Yet Rated: Oh, MPAA ratings board, how we are mystified by your definition of “inappropriate.”

Check back next week for our final Sundance Film Festival Top 10 from the Naked Love Department — we’ll have done one each week for the past 5 weeks leading up to the festival!