Sundance Film Festival's Top 10 Lessons in Young Love

Last week we covered the best love lessons that people could learn from Sundance Festival movies. But kids are people, too — people with raging hormones and tendencies toward the melodramatic and a whole hell of a lot of ignorance thanks to abstinence-only education. So this week we’re looking at the best movies for romantic advice for the after-school-special set:

  1. Adventureland: Sex in a car is never as private as you think it is. Neither is sex with a married man.

  2. American Teen: When you’re in the cool clique in high school, life is totally like a chick flick. Even when you’re not cool, life is still sometimes like a chick flick. But in real life, the jock is always going to dump the rebel punk filmmaker for the ditzy cheerleader. Bring on college!

  3. Towelhead: The world would be a much better place if all pubescent girls were given a vulva puppet to love and cherish, a box of tampons, and a copy of Are We Having Fun Yet: The Intelligent Woman’s Guide to Sex.

  4. An Education: A romantic weekend in Paris is much better with a peer who owns a bicycle than with a mentor who drives a cool, fast car.

  5. Saved! In the entire history of human beings, no gay man has ever been ”turned straight” by being seduced by a woman (even when that woman has Jesus on her side). And remember, even though you’re gay, you can still get her pregnant. Oh, and if you don’t want your mom to find your stash of gay porn, then find a better hiding place than under your bed. Jeez.

  6. The Wackness: If you think it might be too early to say “I love you,” it probably is. So don’t confuse the huge rush of emotion and/or gratitude that you feel right after losing your virginity for love.

  7. Thumbsucker: Getting high together and making out does not constitute a relationship. Even if you get to third base.

  8. Donnie Darko: The weird kid may get bullied in high school, but he’ll totally rule in college. If, you know, a jet engine doesn’t crash through his roof, killing him, first.

  9. Napoleon Dynamite: Internet dating totally works! Herbal breast-enhancement products, on the other hand, totally do not.

  10. Welcome to the Dollhouse: When you’re in 7th grade, being rejected by your crush is, like, so much worse than having your sibling kidnapped. Don’t worry, with age comes perspective, a better haircut, and dental work.

Check back next week for another Sundance Film Festival Top 10 from the Naked Love Department — we’re doing one each week leading up to the festival in January! Read our first list, “Top 10 Lessons in Love,” here.