What the Fuck Should I Make for Dinner?

Breakfast for dinner: Fucking Pumpkin Chocolate Chip Pancakes

Article: Breakfast for dinner: Fucking Pumpkin Chocolate Chip Pancakes

Watch “Love Lust: Breakfast,” Monday, November 14th at 8pm.
Breakfast for dinner is the greatest invention ever (not sliced bread – that horrible idiom only cheapens the magnificence of breakfast for dinner). Some of you, growing fatter by the minute in your sagging, decrepit office chairs as you search online for ways to lose weight and not exercise, may be saying, “Zach, surely you can’t suggest that breakfast for dinner is a greater invention than, say, penicillin?” But I’m saying that. Penicillin smells bad, and if you snort it you just get a headache.

Breakfast for dinner is not only a classy alternative to dinner for dinner, it’s also a wonderful allegory for America. Breakfast for dinner tells the story of choice, freedom, independence, and excessive caloric intake. I’ve never been to a Tea Party event, but after booing gay soldiers, not having any plan for the economy beyond…

Comfort food: Feel less awful

Article: Comfort food: Feel less awful

So the phone company just called to say your girlfriend or boyfriend is breaking up with you. You could cry (expected and unsightly), get wasted and bang someone you’re nearly 100% sure isn’t your ex. You could start an underground cat fighting ring, or you could eat some comfort food.

While the first two options may seem like a viable way to cope with bad shit, comfort food seems to be the popular choice. Something in our brain tells us to fuck the diet we’ve been on and eat fried chicken. Or meatloaf. Or, if you’re a real life Cathy cartoon, a whole tub of ice cream. Because comfort food is the shit that reminds of us of our childhood, when our problems were relegated to not being tall enough for awesome roller coasters, the crusts not being cut off our sandwiches (“Goddammit Ma, I don’t know how many time I have to tell you…”) and those fucking annoying childproof pill containers.

Comfort food is a hug from the inside that says “Hey, I’m gonna fatten you up and contribute to your low body image, but just tonight – and probably tomorrow if you’re a slow healer – everything is gonna be alright.”

When I was a kid my mom would make lamb shanks, but that shit takes all day, so I made…

Halloween, and other things I hate

Article: Halloween, and other things I hate

I hate Halloween. Before you cascade me with weak metaphors and insults that don’t really break the surface, hear me out. Think about all that Halloween represents:

Kids: Your child is neither cute nor charming, and throwing a bed sheet over the poor kid’s head still doesn’t make it cute or charming, it just makes it look like a Klan member.

And hey, parents, great idea to let your kids dress up and ask strangers for a “trick or treat,” (Halloween must be an unthinkably grand holiday for pedophiles) and run through traffic on a corn syrup high (in “fun-sized” portions, of course) on a quest to accumulate enough candy to clinch type 2 diabetes before the age of ten…

Tang and adult diapers – 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY

Article: Tang and adult diapers – 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY

When I was significantly younger, I dreamt of being an astronaut. Like most stupid kids, it was probably because I thought the space suit looked awesome or that the only training for becoming an astronaut was playing with monkeys, eating green pixie sticks and being quick with a measured “out of this world” joke at cocktail parties. Regardless, my dream was baseless and without merit. Until one day, probably right around the time hair was showing up in new places, I learned that astronauts got all the free Tang they wanted. Was it really possible? As much Tang as I wanted? My stupid childhood yearnings now seemed erudite, the dream was alive. Then, I learned that Tang was a drink, and once again, astronauts were just boring adults who wore diapers…

Ludo Bites a buffalo

Article: Ludo Bites a buffalo

Watch LUDO BITES AMERICA Tuesdays at 9P
More mouthwatering bon mots from guest blogger Zach Golden, the creator of the incredibly popular website, What the Fuck Should I Make For Dinner?

If you have an aversion to things getting shot, things getting skinned, hearts being eaten or French chefs, you may not want to continue. Or you may want to, we really don’t know each other that well, but consider this your formal warning.