When I heard David Lynch was releasing a music video, I immediately thought that I probably wouldn’t know what was going on in said video, but it would look awesome and also cool. Then, I began to reminisce about Twin Peaks, because every Lynch fan/future film student/cool weirdo watched that show! I myself tuned into Twin Peaks in high school because I wanted all the boys to think I was artistic, dark, and super good at watching television. To add to that mystique, I wrote a lot of poetry. It wasn’t GOOD poetry, but it did have the word “ribcage” in it a lot. To celebrate my high school Lynch loving self, I decided to get all nostalgic on you. Here are some Twin Peaks haikus, because really? Why the hell not!
Never let it be said that David Lynch takes sex lightly. To quote the man himself: “Certain aspects of sex are troubling — the way it’s used as power, for instance, or the way it takes the form of perversions that exploit other people.” And those “certain aspects” seem to be the only ones that interest Lynch. In his world, no one ever cracks up in bed after an inopportune fart ruins the moment. But no one has glamorized, Hollywood-ized, unrealistic sex either. “Sex is a doorway to something so powerful and mystical,” Lynch said once, “but movies usually depict it in a completely flat way.” And by “flat” he either means “more fake than a declaration of true love on THE BACHELOR” or else “specializing in female subjugation, exploitation and masochism.” Whatever the case may be, the kind of sex his characters have — and the kind of sex his movies deal with — are best described as simply Lynchian, a term which has been defined as “having the same balance between the macabre and the mundane.” This top 10 list, in chronological order, should help further explain:
Movies are all about imagination, fantasy, suspension of disbelief — especially when it comes to their sex scenes. But the mind is capable of only so much mental gymnastics before it goes “Nuh uh.” If the sex in question — or any aspect of the movie, really — doesn’t have enough believability, we’re taken out of the experience, much in the same way an unfortunate bodily emission can kill even the most passionate mood. Here are the worst cinematic offenders of all time:
The fifth season of MAD MEN premiered last night on AMC with a two-hour special, and Don Draper did nothing to change our minds about his relationship potential. Peggy may worry that he’s a kinder, cuddlier Draper, but we have no such concerns. After all, she didn’t see him resolve a domestic dispute by pretend-raping his wife (what was up with that weird retro porn scene anyway?!). Here are our top ten reasons why Don Draper would make a terrible boyfriend:
What makes a sex scene great — at least in our opinion — is when there is some genuine realism in it: maybe heads get bonked or tears are shed or body parts fail or giggles erupt. Call it skinéma vérité. Anyway, we hear there is some big, film awards show coming up this weekend, so we decided to honor a few of our favorite, most realistic sex scenes of the past year. These clips are the real deal, so use protection!
Nudity is great (okay, it’s totally awesome), but sometimes the old adage is true: you really can get too much of a good thing. Oftentimes a film scene is enhanced by suggesting rather than showing, hinting rather than hammering. These ten notable sequences cut back on the graphic imagery for different reasons — to play a particularly lewd joke, to suggest the frustration of the characters, or to sneak around a pesky MPAA rating — but they all have one thing in common. They prove that sometimes less really is more.
A few weeks back we jumped on the Twitter hashtag #lessambitiousbooks bandwagon, with a list of our Top 10 Less Ambitious Sex Books (The Joy of Dry Humping, Slight Hangup About Flying, etc.). This time around we figured we’d create our own damn hashtag — #dirtierbooks — so that nobody could accuse us of being late to the game. The trick with #dirtierbooks is to be clever without sounding like a cheesy porno (The Da Vinci Load, A Tale of Two Titties, et al). Below are our top 10 best attempts. So, er, anyone want to jump on our bandwagon? (That came out dirtier than we meant it.)
We’re suckers for a good Twitter hashtag — they can make everyone feel like a stand-up comedian for a few minutes (not to mention giving us all a break from reading what our colleagues ate for breakfast). We particularly loved the #lessambitiousbooks hashtag that was trending this week, and of course we jumped on the bandwagon, finding ourselves hilarious @EMandLO. We were planning on publishing a round-up of our favorite sex- and love-related entries found on Twitter, but as it turned out, we had more fun coming up with our own. So here are our top 10 less ambitious sex (or sexy) books:
It’s the most top-10-list time of year! And we’re not even going to try to resist its allure. 2011 was no stranger to sex scandals (is any year?). Most were political and/or not really all that surprising. And so, without further ado:
photo of DSK graffiti via Flickr
2. Shirtless congressman on Craigslist
3. Arnold’s love child
If you have a gay best friend, consider yourself lucky–they’re the best of the best. However, you should know that there are certain rules that come with such a friendship, certain rules that make or break even the best of friendships. Learn them here, now: Top 10 Gay Commandments for Girl Friends.
Hey, it doesn’t matter what ‘type’ of gay guy you have in your life. If you love him because he’s the smartest guy you know, or because he’s the most loyal friend you’ve ever had, or just because he always shows you a good time. He’s the buddy in your life you can count on, no matter what category he fits into.
We’ve got our favorite Top 10 Gay Friends to Have.
We see them television, we see them in movies, we see them in small-minded people who saw Will and Grace twice and have a sudden understanding of the gay community as a whole. Here are stereotypes we’re sick of seeing.
Jared and Tenisha at the GWLBWLB premiere party in Nashville.
If you’re a girl like me, you’ve taken a Saturday night off from sitting in your sweatpants or going to the dive bar next door to talk to some ‘starving artist’ that will never call you. Instead, you pregame heavily with your Mr. Right Gay and take a 20 dollar cab to his favorite gay club, where you watch him flirt with a sea of mostly shirtless men to dance remixes of Robyn. Believe me, it’s not a sacrifice. However, if you’re a newbie to the whole ‘straight lady in a gay pond’ thing, you might need a couple of tips on how to maximize your night of fun.
Check out these Top 10 pointers for the Gay Clubbin’ Straight Girl.
Nobody provides water cooler fodder than the hottest hot messes in Hollywood. We love ‘em to little bits and crushed-up, little, prescription medication pieces simply because they can’t seem to stop…screwing up. Lindsay posing in Playboy? Like Marilyn? Again? Courtney Stodden is getting her breasts examined on national television? I don’t get it–does bleach leak into your brain? Of course, instead of dipping into the schadenfreude we could be real pals and get these ladies and gents some help…in the form of a gay man, of course. Nothing says intervention quite like one of our beloved gay boyfriends telling us to wake up and smell the vodka all over our clothes!!
Before 2003, the world hadn’t seen a major exhibition of Diane Arbus’ work in almost thirty years, during a traveling exhibition in the 1970s, and given the overwhelming response to “Diane Arbus Revelations” (2003-2006), the world was long overdue. Filmmaker Steven Shainberg (SECRETARY) took note and in 2006 relased FUR: AN IMAGINARY PORTRAIT OF DIANE ARBUS, starring Nicole Kidman as Arbus and Robert Downey Jr. as Lionel Sweeney, a fictionalized version of one of Arbus’ portraiture subjects. Since Arbus dwelled in a bizarre, fantastical and on-the-fringe world, it’s only fitting that an imagined story of her life is as close to a real ‘biopic’ as we’re likely to get. Get ready for Sundance Channel’s Sunday night screening (October 16th at 7:55p) with some her most famous photographs…
In a recent article for the New York Times, statistician Nate Silver hooked up with OkCupid’s Nate Rudder to determine which day of the week is best to meet someone at a bar. They came up with something called the “sexual availability index,” and found that you’re most likely to get laid on a Wednesday night. So here are our best guess at why Wednesday’s the winner…
Massage as foreplay is one of those sex tips that “everyone knows” — but few people know well. Be honest, how many times have you actually massaged your partner for longer than a few minutes of shoulder squeezing in front of the TV, or a half-hearted swish over their back with your palms? Anything more and your thumbs start to throb, or your own back starts to ache. So we asked massage therapist Denis Merkas from Couples Massage Courses for some pointers on getting it right. And we promise to spare you that junior-high stat about what percentage of massages lead to sex. Because we’re talking about grownup massage here — the kind that was always intended to lead to sex, duh.
1. Don’t squirt oil onto your partner’s body. Squirting cold oil onto warm skin looks sexy in the movies, but feels terrible in real life. Squirt your oil into one hand and then rub your palms together to warm the oil up before applying to the body. Much sexier.
After more than a decade in the sex writing biz, we have seen our share of sexual gimmicks come and go. Today, we would like to highlight ten perennially under-praised sex acts. Think of it as under-doggie-style! (See yesterday’s post for the Top 10 Most Overrated Sexual Acts).
Using lube. It’s not a crutch, it’s not “insulting” or “slutty” or “presumptuous” to keep some in your nightstand, and it makes sex better for everyone. What’s not to love?
Manual sex. A.k.a. “hand jobs,” though we think that calling it that undermines all the heavy lifting they’re capable of doing in the bedroom. And look, Ma, no STDs!
After more than a decade in the sex writing biz, we have seen our share of sexual gimmicks come and go, many of them vastly overrated. Below are the top ten sexual acts that, while they may be more substantial than gimmicks, continue to get more accolades than they deserve. Also, check out the Top 10 Most Underrated Sexual Acts — a.k.a. under-doggie-style — that we’ll feature tomorrow.
Threeways. Too many elbows, too few orgasms. Also, there’s the jealousy, the insecurity, and the awkward post-coital cuddling and/or brunch. ‘Nuff said?
The 69 position. Kind of like communism: great in theory, not in practice.
Simultaneous orgasms. What is that saying, the great is the enemy of the good? Sure, the simultaneous O is awesome when it happens, but individual orgasms are pretty dandy, too. And sometimes, an alternating spotlight is a good idea — especially if that thing that pushes your partner over the edge requires a certain degree of concentration and/or skill.
See FFF Editor-in-chief Kelley Culp’s Top 10 favorite shows from the Fall 2011 runways. Get a bit of fashion inspiration in our latest style diary on a beautiful bug collecting designer. See what the boys are wearing to carnival in Rio. Be in the know on the latest in fashion news and gossip with FULL FRONTAL…
Okay, make that, the ten best movie sex scenes and/or kissing scenes of 2010. Things were a little prudish out there this year — you had to get your vicarious thrills where you could… and besides, we like to work with an all-inclusive definition of sex around these parts. Kissing counts too!
Get Him to the Greek: The awkward, let’s-not-do-this-again threeway. Low on chemistry, high on reality factor, unlike most on-screen threeways these days (yes, we’re talking to you, Gossip Girl). Oh yeah, and it’s an M-M-F threesome…meaning, Russell Brand and Jonah Hill totally French.
Date Night: The sweet, married, sitting-side-by-side-in-a-diner-booth kiss. The one on the doorstep in broad daylight (hi, neighbor!) is not bad either. Hey, cheesy goes a long way after a decade or two of marriage. Let’s hear it for monogamy!
Your source for procrastination today: ARTINFO’s top ten favorite artist websites. The navigation of many of those sites are kind of terrible, but I really like Olaf Breuning’s site a lot, especially the intro page. 4. Olaf Breuning, olafbreuning.com This site is about ten times more fun than it needs to be: it includes a…
Recent studies show that the personality trait of perfectionism is linked to poor physical health and an increased risk of death — in particular when it’s what psychologists call “socially prescribed perfectionism,” i.e. where you feel like other people expect you to be perfect (as opposed to “self-oriented perfectionism,” when you impose the high standards on yourself — apparently not quite such a health risk). Then again, is it possible to completely separate what you think others expect of you and what you expect of yourself? Where does one end and the other begin?
She posed in a bee costume for the cover of her new memoir, i know i am, but what are you? And still manages to look kinda hot in it.
She’s a fan of pubic hair. “Our body looks weird without it,” she told The Frisky. “Vaginas don’t look that nice to me without it. Like, little girls have cute vaginas. But lady vaginas, you need a little hair. It makes it look better. I just resent being told I’m supposed to do something with my pubic hair. Fuck off! It’s my thing. If you don’t like it, let’s move on. I don’t like you.”
Really? The Gores? The couple most likely to make it to old age on a rocker-for-two on the front porch?!
Not the Clintons? We have to admit, it’s a little refreshing to know that even such public marriages can have their secrets and mysteries.
We now feel truly bad about the number of times we made fun of the Gores’ ew-Mom-and-Dad-are-kissing smooch at the 2000 Democratic Convention.