humor

The Fifty Shades Generator

Article: The Fifty Shades Generator

Are you a print or web designer in search of exciting placeholder text? Are you a fledgling author struggling with a sex scene? You’re in luck! The Fifty Shades Generator creates “world-class literature based on a pre-defined vocabulary” — a pre-defined vocabulary of clever, creative and totally offensive slang for genitalia and coitus culled from places like ARRSE (british ARmy Rumour SErvice) and @50shadesofshit. Below is an example Lorem Ipsum-type paragraph created by the generator, but the hilarious explanation text of the site itself is worth a read. Is there no limit to the sex-obsessed genius of the Internet?

Meet comedian Amy Schumer, our new hero

Article: Meet comedian Amy Schumer, our new hero

We caught Amy Schumer’s first original one-hour standup special, “Mostly Sex Stuff”, on Comedy Central this past weekend, a few weeks after her deft takedowns at the Roseanne Barr roast… and now we’re “swim fans.” We love any comedian who can make a fisting joke work, and Schumer did not disappoint. She’s a straight-talking, porn-watching, potty-mouthed provocateur who cleverly exposes the inherent insanity of money shots, waxing, sexism and plain old sex.

The Onion's non-news parodies, including "Sex House"

Article: The Onion's non-news parodies, including "Sex House"

Today marks the second weekly installment of the Onion’s new web series, Sex House — a parody of The Real World/Big Brother/Glass House-type reality shows that pretend to be about something other than throwing a bunch of people into a Sartre-esque No Exit living sitch with a bunch of raging hormones and an endless supply of cheap vodka. It’s the first series from the Onion Digital Studio, which according to the Huffington Post, will focus exclusively on non-news parodies. The other three web series airing on its YouTube channel this summer include Lake Dredge Appraisal (think Antiques Road Show meets 1980s public-access TV), Horrifying Planet (think National Geographic meets When Animals Attack meets American’s Funniest Home Videos) and Troublehacking with Drew Cleary (think vloggers with delusions of grandeur).

Top 30 #VaginaMovieLines tweets

Article: Top 30 #VaginaMovieLines tweets

To follow up on our Vaginagate roundup post from yesterday, now that the trending on Twitter had died down, here are our top 30 picks for best #vaginamovielines Tweets of the past week, so you can avoid scrolling through the endless stream of mediocrity and get straight to the good stuff:

Em & Lo on The Interview Show

Article: Em & Lo on The Interview Show

Yep, we just referred to ourselves in the third person…again. Remember a few weeks ago we told you we were going to be on The Interview Show in Brooklyn? No? Well, here’s the video of us on Chicago comedian and humor columnist Mark Bazer’s show anyway. We thought he was going to be asking us things like “What’s the weirdest advice question you’ve ever gotten?” or “What’s the best/worst thing about writing about sex?” You know, the fun cocktail conversations we never seem to have in real life. Instead, Mark asked us real, honest-to-God sex advice questions. The nerve! It was like work, except without the benefit of us being able to pick and choose the questions we want to answer and spending hours polishing our responses to make ourselves seem effortlessly witty. The veil has been lifted:

Naked news: the weird and wacky edition

Article: Naked news: the weird and wacky edition

Not all news has to have gravitas. Not after this week’s zombie apocolypse. Sometimes the weird, the wacky, the big wastes of time are just what you need to start the weekend right:

A sex toy sitcom

Article: A sex toy sitcom

Okay, this is the weirdest thing we’ve come across in a while: a low-budget, home-made, episodic sitcom about a family of sex toys.

The best commencement speech of 2012

Article: The best commencement speech of 2012

Commencement season is wrapping up and everyone’s coming out with their “Best Commencement Speeches of 2012″ lists — all with the usual suspects, of course: Barack Obama, Michelle Obama, Mitt Romney, Michael Bloomberg, Brian Williams, Katie Couric, Oprah Winfrey…yeah, yeah, yeah, a few jokes, some heartfelt platitudes, lots of security. Yawn. But our hands-down absolute favorite of 2012 — and one you won’t find on most of these lists — is comedian Eugene Mirman speaking at his old alma mater Hampshire College, that flaming-liberal-hipster college that let’s you make up your own major. He chose to major in comedy. This speech proves it actually worked. And how can you not adore a keynote commencement address that includes the phrase “fuck that”?

Women looking remorseful after sexual encounters

Article: Women looking remorseful after sexual encounters

Back in December, we wrote about the stock photo cliche of a couple’s bare feet sticking out from under the covers always used to accompany sex stories. We had no idea back then that a whole internet meme was brewing about the ridiculousness of stock photos. First came women laughing alone with salad. Then there were the hilarious (or sexually suggestive, we suppose? if you’re into that kind of thing) women struggling to drink water. And now, from the blog Vagenda (tagline “Like King Lear, but for girls”), there are stock photos of women looking remorseful after sexual encounters.

Valentine's Day cards that don't suck

Article: Valentine's Day cards that don't suck

Instead of waiting til the last minute like usual, why not get a jump start on some Valentine’s Day card ideas, you know, before Monday, February 13th sneaks up and cupid-arrows you in the ass?

From Someecards, the king of irreverent greetings: e.g. “Sorry the only ring you’re wearing this Valentine’s Day is a contraceptive in your vagina” (that’s just one of 99 hilarious ones)
Five DIY Valentine’s Day cards to make with the kids, collated by LilSugar.

Puritan mating rituals & a free monologue for a new year

Article: Puritan mating rituals & a free monologue for a new year

This morning our inbox had an email from Mike Daisey titled “A free monologue for a new year.” Daisey is the writer, director, ex-Amazon employee best known for his extemporaneous monologues. He just performed a sold-out show at Boston University’s Huntington Theatre on New Year’s Eve as part of Boston’s First Night festivities. What caught our eye in the description of the monologue was the “elaborate mating rituals” of New England Puritans (of course), but what kept our attention was the mention of advice for having a New Year’s Eve that doesn’t suck — humanity’s eternal dilemma. Admittedly we haven’t listened to the whole thing yet, but anything that makes fun of Boston in the first two minutes can’t be half bad. Here’s the set up from Daisey:

Car crash sex on TV

Article: Car crash sex on TV

We recently ran a post on EMandLO.com about television shows with hot sex scenes, but if we’re being honest, the stuff that really floats our boats is the hilarious, cringe-worthy stuff that just seems a lot more realistic — after all, sex is often awkward, full of miscommunication, with some head bonking and disappointment, maybe tears. Which is why we loved, loved, LOVED last night’s episode of New Girl on Fox. We’ll admit, we were pretty eh about the pilot — it was close, but no cigar. So we never scheduled a second date with the show. But a friend encouraged us to give it another chance last night and we are so glad we did — because we can’t remember the last time we laughed so hard, especially not from of a television show (we’re talking tears and stomach pain). Not to get your hopes up, but it’s one of the best sex scenes we’ve ever seen on TV* — it should win an Emmy. We liked it so much, we went online so we could watch the earlier “penis” episode (officially titled “Naked”), which also did not disappoint. Oh, if only the same could be said for sex.

When sex and merchandise don't mix

Article: When sex and merchandise don't mix

The only thing worse than sex being used to sell products that have nothing to do with sex is when sex is actually put into a product in some way when it shouldn’t be. Below are four sex product fails – don’t even think about them as potential holiday gifts, not even stocking stuffers. You’ve been warned:

Bacon Lube: J&D’s wants the world to taste like bacon, so they made bacon salt, and baconnaise, bacon ranch and even bacon lip balm. So we guess it was only a matter of time before they made bacon lube. They say it started out as an April Fool’s prank but then got so many requests that they had to follow through with bacon-flavored personal lubricant and massage oil. Fortunately, it’s only available for a limited time.
Erotic Energy Drinks: As if Red Bull weren’t bad enough – Big Cock cola and Little Pussy passion fruit drink are now available in Las Vegas. Of course they are.

This American Laugh: Ira Glass' sex tape

Article: This American Laugh: Ira Glass' sex tape

If you’re an NPR junkie, you’re going to love this. It’s an 11-minute spoof of a “This American Life” episode featuring a story about host Ira Glass making a celebrity sex tape. All the elements are there: Ira Glass’s go-to phrases, input from Alex Blumberg, the clever mood music, the end credits with a shout out to WBEZ general manager Torey Malatea…

Feminist Ryan Gosling

Article: Feminist Ryan Gosling

We never really understood the whole Ryan Gosling thing – he seemed kind of like a pompous, pretentious ac-tor with zero sense of humor. That is, until we saw him on Ellen in onesie pajamas on a stationary bike. Boy, were we schooled then. Now we’re on board – well, we’re not on board the crazy train of Gosling fandom, but we’re at the station admiring from afar. For example, we’re not so gaga for Gosling that we could tell you exactly where the whole “Hey Girl” meme came from. (According to Jezebel: “Apparently, the basic concept…

Men-ups!

Article: Men-ups!

We once did a photo shoot for The Sun, the super trashy but widely popular UK newspaper (you know, the one with the “Page 3 girl”). We were promoting the British edition of our book, The Big Bang. We were young and naive, the photographer was old and pushy, and as he gradually encouraged us to get into sillier and sillier poses, our publicist was there pressing us on. We felt like Coco in the original “Fame.” Don’t get us wrong: we were dressed. But at one point we reluctantly ended up on a bed with one of us holding the other’s bare leg straight up in the air like a lightening rod. It was not what we’d consider sexy, feminine, or us. Fortunately, our inner horror must have radiated out of every pore, because they ultimately ran the article without the pics. (There was a God that day.)

A GOP glossary

Article: A GOP glossary

Our friend Geoff Rice, a nimble Facebook poster and hilarious bleeding-heart liberal, recently began a GOP/Tea Party glossary in public “Note” form, defining such terms as “freedom”, “immigrant” and “socialism”, and calling for additional entries from readers. Here was our contribution:
Pro-Life

A belief in and dedication to the sanctity of life, except in the cases of women who might die from childbirth, prisoners on death row (even those with new evidence that may exonerate them), animals who are hunted for sport or tortured on factory farms, poor people who can’t afford healthcare, and doctors who legally perform abortions (see “George Tiller”).
The ability to believe that God creates all life at conception while simultaneously ignoring the fact that (when you consider the number of miscarriages women go through) God is the biggest abortionist of them all.

When parents text

Article: When parents text

“Some people worry that technology is hindering human communication, creating more distance in relationships, but we think When Parents Text is evidence to the contrary,” write co-authors Lauren Kaelin and Sophia Fraioli about their new book.

This one's for the pervy grammar nerds

Article: This one's for the pervy grammar nerds

We really hope that there are some grammar nerds reading this blog. That would make us so happy. Sure, maybe some people think that when you’re writing about sex, correct grammar and punctuation aren’t a big deal, but we beg to differ. Good writing is sexy, and so is the Oxford comma.

Porn for women (must love dogs)

Article: Porn for women (must love dogs)

Don’t worry, no pets were harmed (or diddled) in the making of this porn. The Men and Their Dogs blog is exactly what it sounds like: photos of men with their dogs — making kissy faces, taking bubble baths together, or just being emo-artsy. Kind of like those Porn for Women and Porn for New…

Damn You, Autocorrect!

Article: Damn You, Autocorrect!

The best forwarded email we’ve gotten in a long time is, by far, the collection of ichat and text excerpts from DamnYouAutoCorrect.com. We received the forward in public, which made the sheer joy of secretly reading it all the sweeter: we’re talking uncontrollable, tear-spilling giggles. That’s because autocorrect accidents are, of course, the best when they are sex-related…and totally inappropriate…and between family members, especially parents and their children. Don’t waste a second wondering if these are possibly made up, just enjoy the unbridled horror.

New word: Chweeting!

Article: New word: Chweeting!

We’re very proud of ourselves for coming up with this one. With the whole Weiner scandal going on, we were discussing how there’s got to be something in between flirting and actual physical cheating. What Weiner did goes beyond mere flirting — even though it didn’t involve physical contact with anyone other than his wife, it did involve sexual antics (and release?) with other women via social networking services and the telephone. So it’s not full-blown, full-body-contact, STD-and-pregnancy-risking cheating, it’s more like virtual or cyber cheating.

Who will love your pets when you've been lifted up to Heaven?

Article: Who will love your pets when you've been lifted up to Heaven?

As we’re sure you know, the Rapture is this Saturday, May 21st, 2011. You know, the day when good Christians like you (we’re assuming) who’ve accepted Jesus as their personal Lord and Savior will be physically lifted up to Heaven. All your atheist, Muslim, Jewish and pagan friends will be left behind to fend for…

Reasons you're still single

Article: Reasons you're still single

Mike Sacks is one fifth of the hilarious Association for the Betterment of Sex, the cabal behind the book Our Bodies, Our Junk, which we wrote about last year. So we weren’t surprised in the least to discover how much funny there is in Sacks’ own book, Your Wildest Dreams, Within Reason. It’s a collection of 54 short humor pieces, many of them written in collaboration with the other members of the ABS, amongst others. The essays include everything from “Rules for My Cuddle Party” (“#1: Please do not give birth in the hot tub.”) to a bridegroom on Twitter (“Attempting to fist-bump rabbi”) and icebreakers to avoid (“This party reminds me of 9/11″). To give you a taste, we’re excerpting one of the essays here in full…

Tap Into It

Article: Tap Into It

TAP INTO IT from Vancouver Craft Beer Week on Vimeo.

Gay men like beer a lot more than many a stereotype suggest. But even those gay men who turn their noses up at beer in favor of the more obvious choices like vodka may reconsider after watching this movie. In teal unitard and rocking a regular guy’s body, the actor gives his best Jennifer Beals a la FLASHDANCE. He’s good. Connecting with the camera to comedic effect and giving it all.