In his recent Class Day speech at Princeton University, Steve Carell closed with his version of the “wear sunscreen” list of helpful hints for grads. (Except, of course, the original “wear sunscreen” advice was not given by Kurt Vonnegut during a commencement address at MIT, as the Internets insisted on telling us for years — it was actually a column in the Chicago Tribune by a writer named Mary Schmich.) Anyway, you can read Carell’s list at the end of the transcript of his speech here. (Our favorites:”Only use a ‘That’s what she said’ joke if you absolutely cannot resist.” And: “When out to eat, tip on the entire check. Do not subtract the tax first.”) In the meantime, here is our version of advice for graduating seniors. We can only dream of the day when this list becomes an online sensation falsely attributed to Kurt Vonnegut.
Used to be you could lie about your genital herpes or cheat on your wife on a plane without anyone paying too much attention. Let’s give thanks to the information age for bringing some good old-fashioned karma back into the picture!
Spider-who? Bat-who? Bourne-who? Forget the summer action blockbusters. This season we’re much more interested in the softer, sassier, saucier flicks. Instead of aliens, action and adventure, sex, love, family and friendship are the big themes with these movies. Women make up a majority of the lead roles (for a change). Most are indie. And for some reason they all come out this month. Guess it makes sense to get your summer love on early.
A reader just tipped us off to this 99 cent app called Peek: it lets you take naughty pictures of yourself and send them to the object of your affection with a little less risk. The recipient can only view the picture once, through a small circular moveable “keyhole”, for only 30 seconds before it disappears (from both your phones). Peek encrypts the picture, then decrypts it once when the recipient views it. The image is never uploaded to a server anywhere.
Just in case The Sound of Music didn’t clue you in: it turns out that nuns can be a bit cheeky. Maria Von Trapp sang out of church, ate too much, and fell in love (oh yeah: and evaded the Nazis). These days, nuns behaving badly are more likely to be waving the feminist flag, it turns out. According to a BBC article, the Vatican just released a report criticizing the Leadership Conference of Women Religious — which represents about 80% of American nuns — saying that they were “becoming feminist and politicised, promoting radical ideas and challenging bishops.” Excellent!
Country singer Kip Moore doesn’t rhyme “truck” with “fuck” in his hit song “Somethin’ ‘Bout a Truck” — but he doesn’t have to. Every line of the song oozes sex. Screw rising gas prices and your neighbor with the Porsche, the implication goes: a truck is for getting laid in (in the most wholesome, American way possible): “Something about a kiss that’s gonna lead to more / On that dropped tailgate, back behind the corn.” It’s no wonder Chrysler has teamed up with Moore to help promote their gas-guzzling, sexy-time-enabling Ram trucks. Chrysler’s move inspired us to come up with our own guide to what your vehicle says about your sex life:
Yep, we just referred to ourselves in the third person…again. Remember a few weeks ago we told you we were going to be on The Interview Show in Brooklyn? No? Well, here’s the video of us on Chicago comedian and humor columnist Mark Bazer’s show anyway. We thought he was going to be asking us things like “What’s the weirdest advice question you’ve ever gotten?” or “What’s the best/worst thing about writing about sex?” You know, the fun cocktail conversations we never seem to have in real life. Instead, Mark asked us real, honest-to-God sex advice questions. The nerve! It was like work, except without the benefit of us being able to pick and choose the questions we want to answer and spending hours polishing our responses to make ourselves seem effortlessly witty. The veil has been lifted:
Not all news has to have gravitas. Not after this week’s zombie apocolypse. Sometimes the weird, the wacky, the big wastes of time are just what you need to start the weekend right:
“Where would be without romance?” writes the blogger responsible for the awesome (and free!) e-card site WrongCards.com. “Probably living less dramatic lives with more compatible people and much more realistic expectations.” If that sounds like the kind of guy you want writing your greeting cards, then you need to check out his site. The romance section is our favorite, and it exists, they say, because “when people start to get themselves into a romantic mood, all good judgment evaporates. And that’s where we come in.” Sure, the whole site is kind of a joke, and the majority of the cards aren’t really ever ended to be sent (except in jest). But many a truth is told in jest, as everyone — and especially sex advice writers — know. In these hilarious, kinky, weird, and freaky cards, you’ll find more honesty, sincerity, and passion than in an entire warehouse of the Hallmark variety. If only we were all truly able to communicate like this in relationships, the two of us would be out of a job. Here are a few of our faves:
Okay, this is the weirdest thing we’ve come across in a while: a low-budget, home-made, episodic sitcom about a family of sex toys.
This week, support for same-sex marriage hits an all-time high in the U.S., with even Colin Powell and the X-Men getting on board! But it’s going to take more than a sort-of vow by Angelina and Brad to get the rest of the country on board.
We’re frequently asked by readers how they can get into phone sex. They tell us that they don’t know what to say, or how to say it, or how to initiate it — but most of all, they tell us that it just feels so strange and silly and isolated to be sitting there with your iPhone for company, not sure if the person on the other end of the phone is checking their email and and half-listening you while you moan and dirty talk your little heart out. (We suppose that’s what Skype is for? But if you can handle Skype-sex then you’re a braver human being than either of us.)
This video of a North Carolinian pastor spewing homophobic hate has been making the rounds. Made “pukin’ sick” by the thought of men kissing men, Pastor Charles Worley comes up with a big idea to get rid of homosexuality once and for all — a “final solution,” if you will:
Build a great big large fence, 150 or 100 miles long. Put all the lesbians in there. Fly over and drop some food. Do the same thing with the queers and the homosexuals. Have that fence electrified so they can’t get out. Feed ‘em, and– And you know what? In a few years they’ll die out. You know why? They can’t reproduce.
Last week we wrote about how to spot a hipster in the wild. Inspired by that, we decided to put together our own guide to spotting hipsters… in the bedroom. Here are our top twenty ways to know you’re having sex with a hipster.
The Cannes Film Festival is in full swing right now (May 16-27) and one of its special guests is one of our favorite pleasure-object producers: the high end Swedish design company, Lelo. They’re screening their very own short — okay, it’s a crummy commercial. But as with everything Lelo does, it’s beautiful, sleek, glamourous, luxurious and inviting — like their toys (although we never will get the appeal of squirming around on a bed of roses).
This week, homophobia is down, gaydar is up, female objectification is over the top, and home HIV tests are around the corner. Oh, and a mankini is on the way:
How is it possible that hipsters have been around since the 1940s? (At least according to the OED, which equates the word with “hepcat.” Er, thanks for that.) Even stranger still, how is it possible that hipsters have been around since the 1940s and we still can’t exactly put our finger on what one is? In recent years the hipster even became a subject for academic (or at least highbrow) debate, with the fancy-pants journal n+1 sponsoring an entire symposium called “What Was the Hipster?” which became a book by the same name. Unfortunately we suspect the folks at n+1 of being hipsters in denial, which is why we can’t bear to read their book on the topic.
Researchers recently published a book-length article in the journal Psychological Science in the Public Interest on the scientific flaws of online dating. They wrote a layperson’s summary for Scientific American, but even that was three pages long (practically an eternity in internet time). So here’s what you need to know in a nutshell:
We pride ourselves on knowing all the sex lingo — and where there isn’t lingo for something we’ve observed in the world of sex and dating, then we make it up ourselves. For example, three terms we coined in our book Rec Sex: An A-Z Guide to Casual Sex are benched (the state of being…
It’s all gay news all the time this week — there’s some good news, some bad news, and some plain old ugly news. As Marc Maron tweeted, NC = Nation’s Closet.
It’s not the slickest website, but we love the idea of RockTheSlutVote.com — embracing the insult that’s meant to dismiss, discredit and silence “uppity” women in order to increase voter turn-out for political candidates who respect women’s rights. Yes, the art-work is cheesy (stock illustrations of impossibly thin, pretty, sexy fashionistas all apparently wearing miracle bras for the most part — we guess they’re trying to project the slutty stereotype???); and yes, it could all just be a cover to sell poorly designed CafePress merch (their logo is a cheesy lipstick imprint, ugh); but it does make it fairly easy to get registered to vote. Plus, we love the list that rips off the “You might be a red neck if…” format on their homepage — here’s a sample:
Here’s the dirty little secret of pickup artist training: it actually works (for both men and women), but it may well make you feel like shit about yourself. Maybe you don’t care. Maybe you just want the digits. But just in case you want to get laid and feel like a better person, you might be interested in the results of an academic study on the topic. A PhD student in Mainz, Germany, trained 17 men and 23 women in the pickup and flirtation arts — specifically, how to apply evolutionary psychology principles to the pickup scene, how to make body language work for you (lots of touching), and how to combat anxiety. He then sent his students into the wild, with the men instructed to gather digits and the women instructed to gather drinks invitations. The before-and-after stats showed that men went, on average, from 1.07 phone numbers to 3.67 per hour, while women’s drink-invite average went from 1.65 to 3.1.
Last week, GetSTDtested.com released their list of the Top 100 Sex&Love&Dating Blogs, and our little ol’ humble home site EMandLO.com not only made the top 10, we were ranked third! (Excuse us while we do The Running Man.) Only OkCupid’s OkTrends(#1) and EmpowHER.com (#2) beat us out. Now, we know this was just a clever…
Most of the contributions to the recent Twitter hashtag #2012PickUpLines were pretty uninspiring. (Exhibit A: “I’d like to buy a new router for you and your friend. And ‘Route Her’ and yourself into my bedroom tonight.” Er, okay, Beavis.) But we were inspired by Rainn Wilson (@rainnwilson) of THE OFFICE, who tweeted, “Can I piggy-back on your WiFi?” Okay, we didn’t exactly pee our pants laughing, but something about imagining Dwight delivering that line worked for us. So here are our best attempts at 2012 pickup lines:
Having a bad day? Don’t worry, this week the news is light and airy: panda inseminations, professional mermaids, Hooters Heismans and creepy cuddle phones, yippee!
Apparently, your dating success depends on how you use pronouns. Funny, we thought it ha to do with appearance, hygiene, education and sense of humor.
In no duh news: Park Slope says no to a Hooters.