In his recent Class Day speech at Princeton University, Steve Carell closed with his version of the “wear sunscreen” list of helpful hints for grads. (Except, of course, the original “wear sunscreen” advice was not given by Kurt Vonnegut during a commencement address at MIT, as the Internets insisted on telling us for years — it was actually a column in the Chicago Tribune by a writer named Mary Schmich.) Anyway, you can read Carell’s list at the end of the transcript of his speech here. (Our favorites:”Only use a ‘That’s what she said’ joke if you absolutely cannot resist.” And: “When out to eat, tip on the entire check. Do not subtract the tax first.”) In the meantime, here is our version of advice for graduating seniors. We can only dream of the day when this list becomes an online sensation falsely attributed to Kurt Vonnegut.
Em and Lo
Used to be you could lie about your genital herpes or cheat on your wife on a plane without anyone paying too much attention. Let’s give thanks to the information age for bringing some good old-fashioned karma back into the picture!
Spider-who? Bat-who? Bourne-who? Forget the summer action blockbusters. This season we’re much more interested in the softer, sassier, saucier flicks. Instead of aliens, action and adventure, sex, love, family and friendship are the big themes with these movies. Women make up a majority of the lead roles (for a change). Most are indie. And for some reason they all come out this month. Guess it makes sense to get your summer love on early.
A reader just tipped us off to this 99 cent app called Peek: it lets you take naughty pictures of yourself and send them to the object of your affection with a little less risk. The recipient can only view the picture once, through a small circular moveable “keyhole”, for only 30 seconds before it disappears (from both your phones). Peek encrypts the picture, then decrypts it once when the recipient views it. The image is never uploaded to a server anywhere.
Just in case The Sound of Music didn’t clue you in: it turns out that nuns can be a bit cheeky. Maria Von Trapp sang out of church, ate too much, and fell in love (oh yeah: and evaded the Nazis). These days, nuns behaving badly are more likely to be waving the feminist flag, it turns out. According to a BBC article, the Vatican just released a report criticizing the Leadership Conference of Women Religious — which represents about 80% of American nuns — saying that they were “becoming feminist and politicised, promoting radical ideas and challenging bishops.” Excellent!
Yep, we just referred to ourselves in the third person…again. Remember a few weeks ago we told you we were going to be on The Interview Show in Brooklyn? No? Well, here’s the video of us on Chicago comedian and humor columnist Mark Bazer’s show anyway. We thought he was going to be asking us things like “What’s the weirdest advice question you’ve ever gotten?” or “What’s the best/worst thing about writing about sex?” You know, the fun cocktail conversations we never seem to have in real life. Instead, Mark asked us real, honest-to-God sex advice questions. The nerve! It was like work, except without the benefit of us being able to pick and choose the questions we want to answer and spending hours polishing our responses to make ourselves seem effortlessly witty. The veil has been lifted:
Not all news has to have gravitas. Not after this week’s zombie apocolypse. Sometimes the weird, the wacky, the big wastes of time are just what you need to start the weekend right:
Okay, this is the weirdest thing we’ve come across in a while: a low-budget, home-made, episodic sitcom about a family of sex toys.
This week, support for same-sex marriage hits an all-time high in the U.S., with even Colin Powell and the X-Men getting on board! But it’s going to take more than a sort-of vow by Angelina and Brad to get the rest of the country on board.
This video of a North Carolinian pastor spewing homophobic hate has been making the rounds. Made “pukin’ sick” by the thought of men kissing men, Pastor Charles Worley comes up with a big idea to get rid of homosexuality once and for all — a “final solution,” if you will:
Build a great big large fence, 150 or 100 miles long. Put all the lesbians in there. Fly over and drop some food. Do the same thing with the queers and the homosexuals. Have that fence electrified so they can’t get out. Feed ‘em, and– And you know what? In a few years they’ll die out. You know why? They can’t reproduce.
The Cannes Film Festival is in full swing right now (May 16-27) and one of its special guests is one of our favorite pleasure-object producers: the high end Swedish design company, Lelo. They’re screening their very own short — okay, it’s a crummy commercial. But as with everything Lelo does, it’s beautiful, sleek, glamourous, luxurious and inviting — like their toys (although we never will get the appeal of squirming around on a bed of roses).
This week, homophobia is down, gaydar is up, female objectification is over the top, and home HIV tests are around the corner. Oh, and a mankini is on the way:
Researchers recently published a book-length article in the journal Psychological Science in the Public Interest on the scientific flaws of online dating. They wrote a layperson’s summary for Scientific American, but even that was three pages long (practically an eternity in internet time). So here’s what you need to know in a nutshell:
It’s all gay news all the time this week — there’s some good news, some bad news, and some plain old ugly news. As Marc Maron tweeted, NC = Nation’s Closet.
It’s not the slickest website, but we love the idea of RockTheSlutVote.com — embracing the insult that’s meant to dismiss, discredit and silence “uppity” women in order to increase voter turn-out for political candidates who respect women’s rights. Yes, the art-work is cheesy (stock illustrations of impossibly thin, pretty, sexy fashionistas all apparently wearing miracle bras for the most part — we guess they’re trying to project the slutty stereotype???); and yes, it could all just be a cover to sell poorly designed CafePress merch (their logo is a cheesy lipstick imprint, ugh); but it does make it fairly easy to get registered to vote. Plus, we love the list that rips off the “You might be a red neck if…” format on their homepage — here’s a sample:
Last week, GetSTDtested.com released their list of the Top 100 Sex&Love&Dating Blogs, and our little ol’ humble home site EMandLO.com not only made the top 10, we were ranked third! (Excuse us while we do The Running Man.) Only OkCupid’s OkTrends(#1) and EmpowHER.com (#2) beat us out. Now, we know this was just a clever…
Most of the contributions to the recent Twitter hashtag #2012PickUpLines were pretty uninspiring. (Exhibit A: “I’d like to buy a new router for you and your friend. And ‘Route Her’ and yourself into my bedroom tonight.” Er, okay, Beavis.) But we were inspired by Rainn Wilson (@rainnwilson) of THE OFFICE, who tweeted, “Can I piggy-back on your WiFi?” Okay, we didn’t exactly pee our pants laughing, but something about imagining Dwight delivering that line worked for us. So here are our best attempts at 2012 pickup lines:
Having a bad day? Don’t worry, this week the news is light and airy: panda inseminations, professional mermaids, Hooters Heismans and creepy cuddle phones, yippee!
Apparently, your dating success depends on how you use pronouns. Funny, we thought it ha to do with appearance, hygiene, education and sense of humor.
In no duh news: Park Slope says no to a Hooters.
Readers are constantly writing to us for advice on the Porn Issue in their relationship. Typically, women write in to say, “Why is my boyfriend so into porn and how can I get him to stop?” And typically, men write in to say, “Why does my girlfriend have such a problem with me watching porn?” Less often, a woman will say, “How can I find porn that doesn’t annoy me or make me laugh so hard I snort my soda or enrage my inner feminist?” And a guy might ask, “How can I find porn that my girlfriend will enjoy watching with me?” To all of these people we say — amongst other things — find better porn. Of course, “better” is fairly subjective, but anything advertising itself as “feminist porn” is a good step in the right direction. And guys, before you roll your eyes and assume that feminist porn just means a lot of hand-holding and meaningful eye contact, think again.
Sometimes sex is a private matter, and other times, as we see in the news this week, it’s intricately tied to politics, money, technology, your cellphone records — even local parking regulations!
In a ground-breaking move, the government rules that transgender people are protected from bias in the workplace.
For the 2012 races, the Gay and Lesbian Victory Fund aims to elect an out member to every state legislature.
Yes, Virginia, there is a G-spot, and one doctor in Poland claims he’s located it — and he says it’s tiny, less then one centimeter across. But other G-spot experts are not so sure of his claim. Dr. Adam Ostrzenski (what are the odds his buddies now call him Dr. O?), a semi-retired Florida gynecologist, did a postmortem on an 83-year-old woman in Warsaw, where the use of cadavers is not nearly as regulated as it is in the U.S. (in Poland, doctors can dissect bodies very shortly after death, which allows them to explore fine distinctions in tissue). And according to an article he published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine last week, he uncovered small, grape-like clusters of erectile tissue inside a tiny sac between the fifth and sixth layers of vaginal wall tissue.
Yes, we just referred to ourselves in the 3rd person (sorry). But just wanted to let you know that we’re going to be at Union Hall in Park Slope this Thrusday at 8pm (doors at 7:30) for “The Interview Show” hosted by syndicated humor columnist (and Lo’s old friend) Mark Bazer. The Interview Show is usually held monthly at the Hideout in Chicago and features musicians, authors, comedians, athletes, community activists, chefs, etc. shooting the shit. Past guests have included Brian Denehey, Mark Maron, Wilco and Peter Sagal (of “Wait Wait Don’t Tell Me” fame, pictured above).
It’s been a busy week for porn:
A recent study in the Netherlands found that for women, watching pornography reduces blood flow to the visual cortex, indicating that their brain has decided that focusing on arousal is more important than fixating on exactly what’s occurring on the screen in front of them (which could be one reason why the book “Fifty Shades of Grey” is such a hit and being dubbed “mommy porn”).
If you forgot to celebrate Earth Day this past Sunday, Black Label is giving you until May 31st — from now until then, this online sex toy retailer with a fabulous no-phthalates policy (which stocks only items from our favorite quality manufacturers, like Lelo, Fun Factory, and We-Vibe) says they’re committing to planting a tree for every rechargeable sex toy they sell. They’ve already made their operation 100% carbon neutral by voluntarily purchasing Voluntary Carbon Units (VCU) to offset the greenhouse gas emissions their company produces, but they’ve also partnered with Carbon Neutral to take that a step further:
The seahorse is the only male creature — outside of Arnold Schwarzenegger in the 1994 movie JUNIOR — that gets knocked up, and as such has become something of a mascot to us in our line of work. Especially as women’s reproductive rights are increasingly under attack. But until someone forwarded this video to us, we had never actually seen a male seahorse give birth. It’s pretty mind-blowing and kind of, well, sexual. Ejaculatory, even.