blood

CONAN THE BARBARIAN: They massacred his family. They enslaved his people. They will tip accordingly.

CONAN THE BARBARIAN: They massacred his family. They enslaved his people. They will tip accordingly.

We’ll keep this brief because there’s maybe seven lines of dialogue in this entire movie, five of which are in the info-dump at the beginning (expertly narrated by none other than Morgan Freeman). Let’s just start by saying that, in his defense, Conan was born to really terrible parents. And that goes a long way towards understanding his behavior. For starters, rather than stay home while very pregnant, his mom decides to go fight against this army of dreadlocked barbarians trying to enslave and kill her people. Then, when she gets killed (duh), his dad gives her a c-section, right there in the field. With like, an axe-type thing! Then he hangs around and keeps fighting and gets killed too, leaving Conan to fend for himself. Very iffy parenting. Very iffy medical care. Very iffy decision-making. But undoubtedly a family of tough bitches.