Zach Golden

Zach Golden is a great American who is very upset that they canceled Law and Order. His childhood was spent in New York being raised by wolves then subsequently dolphins then subsequently supermodels. He currently lives in Brooklyn, New York with his girlfriend Sara and dog Oscar, both of whom he allows on the furniture. He loves pork, is very handsome, his breath always smells good, and he has won multiple highly prestigious awards for his modesty, handsomeness and great-smelling breath. He enjoys dogs more than humans, but enjoys humans more than robots. Zach Golden is the creator of the incredibly popular website, What the Fuck Should I Make For Dinner?.

Top 10 things to sneak into a movie

Top 10 things to sneak into a movie

Photo credit: Wahlander (Flickr)

Sneaking things into a movie is as American as having a fireworks show on top of a monster truck with Springsteen playing from an eight-track on July 4th in a really old film about freedom. That probably has something to do with the bizarre micro-economy of movie theaters, a place where soda and popcorn are very precious and priced accordingly, and 99-cent candy costs 8 bucks.

Breakfast for dinner: Fucking Pumpkin Chocolate Chip Pancakes

Breakfast for dinner: Fucking Pumpkin Chocolate Chip Pancakes

Watch “Love Lust: Breakfast,” Monday, November 14th at 8pm.
Breakfast for dinner is the greatest invention ever (not sliced bread – that horrible idiom only cheapens the magnificence of breakfast for dinner). Some of you, growing fatter by the minute in your sagging, decrepit office chairs as you search online for ways to lose weight and not exercise, may be saying, “Zach, surely you can’t suggest that breakfast for dinner is a greater invention than, say, penicillin?” But I’m saying that. Penicillin smells bad, and if you snort it you just get a headache.

Breakfast for dinner is not only a classy alternative to dinner for dinner, it’s also a wonderful allegory for America. Breakfast for dinner tells the story of choice, freedom, independence, and excessive caloric intake. I’ve never been to a Tea Party event, but after booing gay soldiers, not having any plan for the economy beyond…

Comfort food: Feel less awful

Comfort food: Feel less awful

So the phone company just called to say your girlfriend or boyfriend is breaking up with you. You could cry (expected and unsightly), get wasted and bang someone you’re nearly 100% sure isn’t your ex. You could start an underground cat fighting ring, or you could eat some comfort food.

While the first two options may seem like a viable way to cope with bad shit, comfort food seems to be the popular choice. Something in our brain tells us to fuck the diet we’ve been on and eat fried chicken. Or meatloaf. Or, if you’re a real life Cathy cartoon, a whole tub of ice cream. Because comfort food is the shit that reminds of us of our childhood, when our problems were relegated to not being tall enough for awesome roller coasters, the crusts not being cut off our sandwiches (“Goddammit Ma, I don’t know how many time I have to tell you…”) and those fucking annoying childproof pill containers.

Comfort food is a hug from the inside that says “Hey, I’m gonna fatten you up and contribute to your low body image, but just tonight – and probably tomorrow if you’re a slow healer – everything is gonna be alright.”

When I was a kid my mom would make lamb shanks, but that shit takes all day, so I made…

BROKEDOWN PALACE: the definitive guide to Thailand

BROKEDOWN PALACE: the definitive guide to Thailand

Welcome to the Zach Golden’s Guide to Thailand, the definitive companion to a country I’m pretty sure is in Southeast Asia. Despite never having visited Thailand, or as the locals call it, Vietnam, I’m uniquely qualified to write about such a majestic place because I occasionally eat Thai food and once got a massage from a woman I’m pretty sure was Thai (or maybe Korean).

All you really need to know about Thailand is this: if you’re an impressionable, young teen whose post-high school plans involve a summer in Hawaii with your equally impressionable teen friend, but at the last minute you decide to nix that in favor of Thailand where you and aforementioned impressionable friend meet a hunky Australian guy with a generic sounding name who asks you to smuggle some heroin into Hong Kong – don’t. Just don’t do it. Because chances are that hunky Australian guy (all Australian guys are hunky, you’d be hunky too if everything in your country was able to kill you) is in tight with some corrupt motherfuckers in the Thai “legal system” and you’re going to take the fall for being an impressionable young teen/effective drug mule…

Tang and adult diapers – 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY

Tang and adult diapers – 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY

When I was significantly younger, I dreamt of being an astronaut. Like most stupid kids, it was probably because I thought the space suit looked awesome or that the only training for becoming an astronaut was playing with monkeys, eating green pixie sticks and being quick with a measured “out of this world” joke at cocktail parties. Regardless, my dream was baseless and without merit. Until one day, probably right around the time hair was showing up in new places, I learned that astronauts got all the free Tang they wanted. Was it really possible? As much Tang as I wanted? My stupid childhood yearnings now seemed erudite, the dream was alive. Then, I learned that Tang was a drink, and once again, astronauts were just boring adults who wore diapers…

Childhood fears: Tom Cruise and Brussels sprouts

Childhood fears: Tom Cruise and Brussels sprouts

Okay, real talk, just for a minute. Tom Cruise is fucking scary. I’m not talking TOP GUN, homo-erotic, shirtless, volleyball-playing Tom Cruise – I’m talking couch-jumping on Oprah, Scientology, did-he-just-really-say-that, oh-shit-he-really-did-just-fucking-say-that, Tom Cruise. Or, to be more concise and perhaps politically correct, EYES WIDE SHUT Tom Cruise…

Ludo Bites a buffalo

Ludo Bites a buffalo

Watch LUDO BITES AMERICA Tuesdays at 9P
More mouthwatering bon mots from guest blogger Zach Golden, the creator of the incredibly popular website, What the Fuck Should I Make For Dinner?

If you have an aversion to things getting shot, things getting skinned, hearts being eaten or French chefs, you may not want to continue. Or you may want to, we really don’t know each other that well, but consider this your formal warning.

LUDO BITES AMERICA: Atole Piñon Hotcakes

LUDO BITES AMERICA: Atole Piñon Hotcakes

Hi, I’m Zach. Some genius, wildly attractive, nice smelling person from Sundance thought me talking about making some recipe from “Ludo Bites America” was a good idea, and I have a firm policy of not arguing with geniuses who are wildly attractive and smell fantastic. So let’s go on a journey where we test the boundaries of our newly found friendship, meet some wonderful mythical beasts, and most of all make Atole Piñon Hotcakes from Tecolote Café in Santa Fe, New Mexico.