Okay. So I have a theory about this show – and it’s Biblical… In the Bible there is a passage Matthew 12:38-42: "…At judgment time, the citizens of Ninevah will come back to life along with this generation … At judgment time, the queen of the south will be brought back to life along with this generation …"
This week is Simon’s story –the hottie who was searching for Adele (who apparently is now married with a kid and having a nervous breakdown – as you would, I suspect, if you were in that situation). And I have even more questions now than I did last week.
Oh my god. So obsessed with this creepy zombie mountain town show. (and secretly relieved that not all zombies are falling apart and have blood lust). But the show raises more questions than anything… It’s like when you are watching a horror movie and you are screaming at the screen, “NO DON’T GO IN THAT DILAPIDATED HOUSE!” or “RUN YOU SILLY FOOL, HE’S GOT AN AXE!” This show is more subtle than that, but still.
Hanging out with a giraffe in Nairobi — last year.
The question of this week, as I leave for Kenya on Thursday: What in the hell to pack?
Fun fact: The dreaded tsetse fly’s favorite color (the color of luuuurve, apparently) is blue. So there go jeans. OR do I wear jeans and spray the hell out of them with Deet and risk having three-headed babies — even though I am not dating and nowhere near having a baby, much less a three-headed one… You see? The problems we unemployed have!
I also wonder: What to wear to a restaurant called Carnivore? It’s like the TGI Fridays/Edible Epcot Center of Nairobi, but instead of serving cheese sticks and chicken wings, they serve shit like: Zebra, Gnu, Wildebeest, Wart hog and Hippo. Basically, if you want to see it, they will serve it to you so you can also eat it… the full African experience, if you will. No pun intended. Apparently, Wart hog, being of the pig family, is very good. Hippo is supposed to be insanely fatty and semi-disgusting. All I know is I’m going the second night I’m there so it better not make me sick for the rest of the trip. Speaking of which, I better go to Duane Reade and stock up on some Pepto Bismol. So, do I go safari chic and pretend I killed my meal myself? Do I slurp down ostrich soup under a pith helmet?
The man of my dreams—Eminem. (Photo by Kevin Mazur/GETTY IMAGES)
I had this crazy dream like a week ago — two of ‘em actually. The first one was more of a realization. I woke up in the middle of the night and was like, “Damn. I’m gonna be busy next year… So I better get some traveling in!”
The other one, also random — involved Eminem, of all people. I mean, huh? I don’t even listen to or think about him. Must have heard his song somewhere — like the time I was in K-mart and heard a lovely muzak version of Richard Marx’s “Ocean’s Apart.” Had a dream that night that I was at my mom’s dinner table introducing Richard Marx as my fiancé. My mother kept looking at his mullet with a hairy eyeball and my sister leans over and says, “Richard? What’s your last name again?” and as soon as he says “Marx,” I woke up to her mocking laughter in my ears. I didn’t go to K-Mart for a long time after that.
Article: Nobody actually works in LA
No one works, they just create traffic jams. (Photo from RESPRES’ Flickr.)
OOOf. It has been a while. My bad. Truly. I was off in New Orleans hanging with hunky Bayou Boys for a story on BP and the conmen living on Flotels for AOL… Then went to LA to hang with my sisters and tape the voicing for the animation on my MTV show, Grits. LA is so funny. Everyone either thinks I’m going to move there or have already moved there. Which is weird as LA is like my personal purgatory. You try finding someone in that town who isn’t a “producer” (scam artist), “model” (pretty girl with no job), “actress” (hooker), or “realtor” (see model). It’s pretty damn hard. What other city has traffic jams at 3 pm on a Tuesday? No one actually works there! (Says me, typing that shit in and noting the irony).
Photo from the Louisiana shores (Photo by Joe Raedle/Getty Images) Karl is once again furious — I went back to New Orleans… without him. I was going down to check out the BP command center outside of Houma, LA, and do some digging around — I had heard stories of strippers, hookers, mud wrestling… you…
Article: My Randomly Fabulous Week
Actor Stephen Lang with brother, ‘I Have A Dream’ Foundation Founder Eugene Lang, attend the 2010 ‘I Have a Dream’ Foundation Spring Gala in NYC — June 2010. (Photo by Mark Von Holden/Getty Images) This week has been so random — yet kind of fabulous. Last week, I drove out to Rutgers University in the car…
Article: When I do trashy, I do it right!
Rickey Medlocke and Gary Rossington of Lynyrd Skynyrd (Photo by Larry Marano/Getty Images) Ooof! So, it’s been a week — sorry ’bout that. I think Gay Pride killed me. I was still feeling the spangly effects over the 4th of July, which, incidentally, was done red neck style! I decided to bugger off down to…
Article: Where have all my trannies gone?
Tell ‘em. (Photo by Ben Hider/Getty Images) Oh lordy. Am still dying — went to Gay Pride Parade the other day and am still reeling from the amount of sequins, Lady Gaga, bare boobs, hot pants, no pants, assless jeans and feathers! I wore my GIRLS WHO LIKE BOYS WHO LIKE BOYS tee (gotta support!…
Glorious, no? To bare or not to bare, THAT is the question! Ha. So, I did it. I posed naked. My pride made me! My ex, Les Rogers, has a huge show at Haunch of Venison, July 7, and as we are besties (and I don’t have an office job), I always go see him…
Article: I, a Jew, will miss Helen Thomas
Helen Thomas — You will be missed… If only by me. OOooof… what a week! I got my ass chewed out on Facebook for saying I would miss Helen Thomas… Okay. Half of what she said was pretty indefensible (I am of the mind that Israelis should, indeed, stop building on settlements. However, I do…
A streaker (center, wearing a red cap and a t-shirt reading “Jimmy Jump”) appears on stage as Spain’s Daniel Diges performs. (Photo credit: DANIEL SANNUM LAUTEN/AFP/Getty Images) So last Saturday I put on my sparkliest pair of pink hot pants, paid a cab with a three dollar bill and sat under a tree full of…
A sign warns the public away from the beach on May 23, 2010 on Grand Isle, Louisiana. With oil covering many of the beaches, officials closed them to the public indefinitely on Saturday. Officials now say that it may be impossible to clean the coastal wetlands affected by the massive oil spill that continues gushing…
Article: Fun Facts from a Certified Cynic
U.S. Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas (left). Justice nominees should henceforth be determined on how well their poker face holds when boredom ensues. (Photo by Alex Wong/Getty Images) Aha! So finally Mercury got the hell out of retrograde — and miraculously all my phones, tv, electronica and communications issues were solved! Seriously. I was having…
You’re letting all the cold air in… I am writing this column from my sofa, under two down comforters because…DAMN! It is cold out! Of course, we get this “never happened before” frigid blast from winters past the week after I put all my fall/winter clothes away. To get to a warm jacket and something…
Can’t wait to end up in Pigeon Forge — home to Dollywood! Oho — big news on Sullivan this week… the Goonies were busted BIG TIME! Tuesday night the cops swarmed in, blocked off Sullivan and Prince and went to town on the Goonies. The dealers were all up against the wall (very Law &…
My sister and I at The Oakridge Boys
I spent this week in the bowels of humanity. No — literally! I toodled on out to Palm Springs for the Stagecoach country music festival — Coachella’s redneck sister — with my pal Theano and my little sister Emily. And none too soon.
See, here’s the deal with being single in NYC. You can find your physical type, and you can find your mental type — and never the two shall meet. Trust. I’ve tried. So, being a (physical) lover of very large manly men (and you try finding big manly guys who know how to fix a tire in NYC), I decided why not just wallow in a sea of my physical type and while I’m at it — get to see Merle Haggard, The Oakridge Boys, Sugarland, Brooks & Dunn, Toby Keith, and a whole lot of sweaty cowboys?
Lady Bunny — Photo by Charles Eshelman/Getty Images I spent much of last week in three inches of make-up doing my best Lady Bunny impersonation. No, really. I ended up doing LXTV, Joy Behar, Fox Business, etc. and it’s amazing how much make-up they put on a person just so they are “TV ready.” It’s…
Photo by Patrick Semansky/Getty Images What is it about New Orleans that just makes you wanna act like a 25 year old crazed monkey? So I go down to NOLA with my pal G and his wife M last week, because, well, why not? And I haven’t been there since that one time in college…
Melissa, Sue (in a Charlize Theron inspired homemade outfit), Joan Rivers and me at Seder
So I had to make (yet another) trip back to Cali last week. But the good news is: it was totally disgusting in NYC and LA was sunny and fab! So there, take that, jet lag! And Karl was cool with it because he got to go. He only farted like twice on the plane, but at least he didn’t release the goods — you know, till he got outside. But hey — who am I to judge High Altitude Flatulence?
This time I was out there to shoot a pilot… vaguely along the lines of “speaking truth” — see last week’s blog — although not to Foxxy Brown — pretty much everyone else though. But I still can’t get over Foxxy. Heh. So while I was out there I chilled with my lil’ sis Emily and my big sister Sophie for a night — before heading to (YES THAT’S RIGHT!) Joan Rivers’ house for Passover! O hell yes!!!
Article: Take This Job and Shove It
Paula Froelich kisses a giraffe in Kenya
Heh. So. I am trying to get a life. No. seriously. Quit my full time job at the New York Post on July 25, 2009 — otherwise known as “Independence Day” and yes, I played the Martina McBride song over and over as well as “Take This Job and Shove It” when I announced the news. So anyhoo. I have been enjoying life since then — went to Africa, Mexico, Sundance, LA several times, Oscars, you name it. But after a certain point in time, ennui starts to set in along with brain rot. And I will not Brain Rot! Unless, of course, it’s called for.
Innocent Karl does not support nudists
I am obsessed with my street. I live on this crazy block in Soho that’s bookended by a convent and a church — with everything in between. And I do mean everything. There’s three restaurants, including a new vegan joint going in next month (Ack! Ew. Vegetarians are bad enough, but vegans? That’s taking shit a little too far!!!); a bar, three coffee shops, a knitting place (I hate knitters. They’re so smug), a quilting place (owned by the knitting people); a cheese store, a meat shop AND… a crack house and a nudist gallery.
Article: Joan Rivers Rocks my World
Joan and Melissa Rivers (Photo by Jason LaVeris/FilmMagic)
Post Oscar hangovers are never fun… Trust. I’ve been covering them for 10 years! But this year was different. Not so bad. Even though – let’s be honest, seven days into a nine day journey, you are ready to run for the hill. And by hills, I mean Appalachian, Eastern Hills. Except for the fact that I came back from Rainy LA to monsoon-y New York. I mean… Okay, okay. I got two good days of beautiful Spring weather before my boots were soaked and once again I had to forsake fashion for Tretorn rain galoshes.