I know the very IMPORTANT opinions of the showrunner, and executive producer, of Two and A Half Men are probably almost TOO important to you people. So you probably agree with him when he says there are just too many tv shows and movies starring women these day. I mean why wouldn’t you? He’s the guy that came up with the solution to “but what happens when three men are too much?” I happen to be on the same page as this dude. There are too many models on Entourage, too many Victoria’s Secret Specials, too many women wearing bikinis on Spike TV, and most of all, there are too many women having sex with Ashton Kutcher on Two and A Half Men. I happen to like a movie with a little more bite to it–starring females that are asskickers, every day heroes, or just happen to not worry what they look like in a bikini. You know, girls that stay away from Turtle (Entourage shout out!) and perhaps might be a role model for the millions of young girls out there who are six and already starting to worry about their love handles. Here are my favorites:
The premiere of HBO’s newest sitcom Girlswas on Sunday night, but at this point, I don’t really remember a world where people weren’t talking about this show. There might have been a time where my subway ride was plastered with Garfield posters instead of Lena Dunham’s expression of disillusion, but I don’t really recall it. There might have been a time where me and my 20-something urban comrades went unrepresented, living under the radar as we listened to Feist and went to brunch, but now everybody knows our secret:
Article: Top 10 Twin Peaks haikus
When I heard David Lynch was releasing a music video, I immediately thought that I probably wouldn’t know what was going on in said video, but it would look awesome and also cool. Then, I began to reminisce about Twin Peaks, because every Lynch fan/future film student/cool weirdo watched that show! I myself tuned into Twin Peaks in high school because I wanted all the boys to think I was artistic, dark, and super good at watching television. To add to that mystique, I wrote a lot of poetry. It wasn’t GOOD poetry, but it did have the word “ribcage” in it a lot. To celebrate my high school Lynch loving self, I decided to get all nostalgic on you. Here are some Twin Peaks haikus, because really? Why the hell not!
There’s lots of things I could blame Carrie Bradshaw for. My inability to let go of my cheating ex-boyfriend, my insatiable desire to make sex puns constantly, surely you get the idea. However, the main problem I have with her is the clothes. I don’t mean this in the ‘she’s made me want to buy ugly expensive clothing’ way. I’m referring to the fact that ever since Sex and The City began airing, female television characters have started dressing… like couture clowns. More designer. More stilettos. We’ve gone from cute/hip/available at the mall Christian Dior hailing GCB. Today, I celebrate the anti-Carries and the anti-Blair Waldorfs. I’m looking for the girls who look like they shop at Filene’s Basement. The kinds of ladies who can find an awesome piece at a good price. Here, I present the most reasonably dressed female characters in television:
If you still watch Gossip Girl, you’re either a 15-year-old slightly behind on the trends or a really loyal fan of the show. Update: Serena is still awful, Blair married a prince and this show is coming to China. I’m not sure how the show will translate for Chinese audiences, but I’m certainly excited for it. For example, how will they go shopping at Prada for ridiculously high-end couture without Prada? Oh, wait. They have Prada in China? This might work. Will Chuck Bass’ famous line, “you’re like the Arabians [horses] my father used to own: rode hard and put away wet” have the same unbelievable creepiness when spoken in Mandarin? I’m willing to bet yes, and I’m willing to find out. In fact, I’d love to see even more television shows remade overseas. Here are some of my ideas:
Forget romantic comedies—bromances are the new central relationship in film and television. The fist bumps! The six packs! There’s nothing like two awesome dudes getting along so well they consider themselves best bros for life. Til death do they part. However, as many guy/guy relationships are played out to be platonic, we can’t help but wish for more from some of our favorite dude pairings. Here are the ones that have the most potential to cross over from the throes of bro to gay.
Happy 2012, everybody! It’s the year the world might end, but as old “Lady Spears” might sing, until the world ends we’ve got to keep on dancing! However, in my case, dancing means trying to lose the ten pounds I gained after freebasing an entire turkey into my mouth on Thanksgiving. Or maybe trying to stop drinking because my body is starting to look like a leather shoe after the abundance of cocktails I’ve been slinging at it. However, forget about me. As a gay man’s best friend, there are a couple of NYE resolutions I’ve got to have to keep our relationship alive and flourishing, like a plant that is a gay best friend. Here are my top five:
If you have a gay best friend, consider yourself lucky–they’re the best of the best. However, you should know that there are certain rules that come with such a friendship, certain rules that make or break even the best of friendships. Learn them here, now: Top 10 Gay Commandments for Girl Friends.
When I heard that Sundance Film Festival alum and total cult classic NAPOLEAN DYNAMITE was going to be made into a Fox cartoon, the first thing that came to mind was ‘Holy 2004, did I time travel back to high school?!’ However, when I found out that the show was going to feature the exact same cast as the movie, I thought: hey, this might be pretty funny, I’m glad Jon Heder has nothing else to do but voice a character he played eight years ago. I like Jon Heder, especially when he played that psychic in that Mark Ruffalo flop “Here On Earth.” He deserves to have some more fame and fortune (and hopefully he will with his return trip to Sundance in FOR ELLEN)! So does that guy Pedro. Sure, the movie might be a bit aged, but it still has enough one-liners and catch phrases to be quoted on Facebook profiles, and I still laugh sadly every time I think about a liger, so hey, why not? And why stop there? Here are some other cartoon ideas for past Sundance Film Festival hits, because you never know what might be adapted next:
Article: A Happy Holidays from the Internet
Image credit: uglychristmaslights.com
It’s the holiday season, which can only mean one thing–booze. Or family. Or Jesus Christ. I have no idea what the holiday season means, except that it gets colder and I get heavier and I still can’t wrap presents. As a true ‘millennial’ I’ve never been very good at the holidays, because I’m selfish and underemployed, but I am very good at the Internet. Kids these days are so lazy and tech-obsessed! Occupy North Pole! For your viewing pleasure, however, I am here to give you all the pleasures and comforts of the holiday season via the world wide web. Don’t leave your couch this December! Don’t fly home with Crate and Barrel ornaments that will break on the flight! Just sit in front of your computer…just like you do every other day of the year!
Article: My hopes for HBO's "Girls"
HBO’s teaser trailer for Lena Dunham’s upcoming series Girls proves that everybody on television is having sex.
If that sounds too broad for you, let me put it another way—every girl on television and living in New York City is having sex. It might not be attractive or pretty or without use of the word ‘lube,’ but it’s something that is happening. In fact, it’s probably better television fare if it’s kind of gross. Gritty and unattractive are the new ‘honest’—like Kristen Wiig’s sex scene in BRIDESMAIDS or all the dark jokes in 2 Broke Girls. Sex has returned to its rightful place in the bottom of the gutter, and most female-centric comedies this season aren’t afraid to lay in it. It’s clear that the Sex and The City look-at-all-of-my-pretty-shoes-Lady is dead, only to be replaced by a vintage dress-wearing version who can’t stop rolling her eyes. She’s your new girl of the moment, and she’s certainly prevalent in Girls. She’s poor. She’s in charge of her sexual prowess but barely in charge of everything else, including her flailing limbs. No, I’m kidding, she’s not really in charge of anything because he’s not calling her back.
We all know about Rick Perry’s slaughter on human decency–now the most unliked video on Youtube. I hope every time he talks about gay people in the American Military a gay man gets married to somebody he loves. But Rick Perry’s not the only person running ridiculous ads in the Republican primaries. Sure, they might not be as outwardly as homophobic, but it still terrifies me that these people could become president (well, except Herman Cain–how we miss him). Oh, hell, it scares me that these videos were even made in the first place! Here are five of the best:
Article: Top 10 Gay Friends to Have
Hey, it doesn’t matter what ‘type’ of gay guy you have in your life. If you love him because he’s the smartest guy you know, or because he’s the most loyal friend you’ve ever had, or just because he always shows you a good time. He’s the buddy in your life you can count on, no matter what category he fits into.
We’ve got our favorite Top 10 Gay Friends to Have.
It’s been a pretty good week for those of us obsessed with watching courageous kids kick ass on the internet. Nineteen-year-old Zach Wahls made a case for his two moms and reminded us all why Iowa rocks. Who doesn’t love a great speech for a great cause by a very smart young man? Meanwhile, over in California, 14-year-old Jonah Mowry lit up the internet with his vow to stand his ground in light of incessant bullying. Since we can’t just watch these videos over and over again (our neighbors have started to complain), we decided to take a trip down memory lane and list some of our other favorite gay videos. Do you remember them?
We see them television, we see them in movies, we see them in small-minded people who saw Will and Grace twice and have a sudden understanding of the gay community as a whole. Here are stereotypes we’re sick of seeing.
Article: A very Gaga Christmas
If you celebrated Thanksgiving like any American family—with the arguments and the sweet potatoes — you may have caught A Very Gaga Thanksgiving. I watched it and it was weirdly macabre and oddly lit. I loved it because I hated it; I hated it because I loved it. The Katie Couric interview! The 12 costume changes! The salami waffles and the interpretive dancing! The only bad thing about it is she’s not doing one for Christmas. But, I’m like Santa Claus and I give gifts, so I’m planning a Christmas special for her.
Curtain — Lady Gaga comes out of a long hallway wearing a tree, or IS a tree. A tree covered in dildos. She breaks out in “Bad Romance” as everybody in the world freaks out. She still does that song! We love that she still does that song! She’s standing inside a gingerbread house that is made up men wearing gold body paint and gold spandex booty shorts. Instead of singing the highest WANT YOUR BAD ROMANCE right where she catches fire in the vid, she sings WANTS A WHITE CHRISTMAS! And we all nod because yes, because who doesn’t want a white Christmas.
Article: Top ten Hollywood dream couples
Okay, most of the people in this article are not couples, let alone gay. A girl, however, can dream and fantasize because the imagination is a wonderful thing where everybody is gay and nothing hurts. I’m no matchmaker, but I personally think these couples would be absolutely fabulous together, and perhaps just putting it out there to the cosmos will get a few of these fellas moving on up to the other side. I’m kidding. I’m the best matchmaker–me and Paul Rudd are perfect for each other!
Jared and Tenisha at the GWLBWLB premiere party in Nashville.
If you’re a girl like me, you’ve taken a Saturday night off from sitting in your sweatpants or going to the dive bar next door to talk to some ‘starving artist’ that will never call you. Instead, you pregame heavily with your Mr. Right Gay and take a 20 dollar cab to his favorite gay club, where you watch him flirt with a sea of mostly shirtless men to dance remixes of Robyn. Believe me, it’s not a sacrifice. However, if you’re a newbie to the whole ‘straight lady in a gay pond’ thing, you might need a couple of tips on how to maximize your night of fun.
Check out these Top 10 pointers for the Gay Clubbin’ Straight Girl.
Nobody provides water cooler fodder than the hottest hot messes in Hollywood. We love ‘em to little bits and crushed-up, little, prescription medication pieces simply because they can’t seem to stop…screwing up. Lindsay posing in Playboy? Like Marilyn? Again? Courtney Stodden is getting her breasts examined on national television? I don’t get it–does bleach leak into your brain? Of course, instead of dipping into the schadenfreude we could be real pals and get these ladies and gents some help…in the form of a gay man, of course. Nothing says intervention quite like one of our beloved gay boyfriends telling us to wake up and smell the vodka all over our clothes!!
This season’s girls and boys are no strangers to bullying. Spoiler Alert! Many LGBTQ youth are ridiculed for being perceived as different and, sadly, it doesn’t always to stop when they get older. It does get better, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy. Just listen to Shane’s gut-wrenching account of his recent confrontation with a homeless man, and then watch Jared recount another big bully…the Ku Klux Klan.
Well, our GIRLS WHO LIKE BOYS WHO LIKE BOYS sure have their opinions on the whole marriage thing. We all want to find love. And for most of us, that means a partner we can rely on to stand by us, challenge us, and (maybe) cuddle with us. If we didn’t care about that stuff so much, romantic comedies would just be Jennifer Aniston clipping coupons in her bedroom for two hours. We want the happy ending–to settle down on the porch with a bottle of wine and a life of love to gaze back on.
Article: What's So Special About My BGBF?
BGBF–Your Best Gay Boy Friend. Sort of a cute little nickname, right?
I always thought my constant relationships with gay men were completely normal. Growing up in a liberal section of Westchester, New York, I did a lot of theater (I played a prostitute twice in high school, which I’m sure pleased my parents endlessly). I watched my guy friends become my gay friends as they started to slowly come out of closets and admit to their worlds that they were homosexual. It was simply what happened, and I didn’t pay much attention to it. Why? Because I was worried about my own sexuality, specifically my own lack of sexuality while I tried to get any guy to want to kiss my slobbery, brace-filled face.