I Ain’t Afraid of No Ghosts: Top 10 Ghostbusting Tips

With all the hot ghosts haunting around out there (hello, Patrick Swayze’s Sam Wheat) you’ll need to be able to discern the killer ghosts from those that are safe to make out with!

1. Figure out if you have a ghost.
To identify if you have a supernatural presence in your house, you might want to simply ask out loud “Ghost?” If the Whoopi Goldberg movie appears on your TV screen, you probably do not have a ghost, or perhaps have a ghost with a very literal sense of humor.

2. Decide if they are good or bad.
You have to ask them “Are you Casper?” and if they are like “OooooOOOOOoooooOO” they are probably an evil ghost, as Casper is the only notable friendly ghost.

3. Learn your mortality rate.
In a horror movie, if you are a beautiful girl with an obvious fake tan, you will probably die right away by said ghost. If you are a beautiful girl with a serious and unfunny personality, most likely with the penchant for blazers, you will live until the very end. If you are the guy who is dating the girl with the blazers, you will die but later.

4. Learn why they are there
Do some research on your house. Do you live in an abandoned mental institution? On top of an ancient graveyard? Did you kill somebody recently? Does your house have a lot of shutters? There are many reasons why a ghost could be haunting your humble abode, but the number one reason is revenge.

5. Ask them to leave.
It is your house. Maybe you could offer to sublet them a closet or the second bedroom you use for your crafts. However, if they do not accept that offer realize that it is your place and you pay your hard earned paycheck for this personal space.

6. Try to scare them off.
Just try to live your life. You’re a pretty gross person, am I right? You walk around with your pants off and pick your toenails and eat hummus out of the container with your finger? It’s disgusting. The ghost will be disgusted and leave.

7. Hire a psychic or priest.
This definitely will not work. He’ll do some weird foreign chants and then be like, “Oh crap, this ghost is not going anywhere” and he’ll probably be a popular B movie actor.

8. Never look into the mirror.
When you wash your face, be sure to not check your medicine cabinet mirror after you are done. The ghost will be there, and he will attack. Just generally keep away from mirrors. Use small hand mirrors instead, or maybe stop being so vain all the time.

9. Move.
Seriously, just move! It’s not that hard. Give the ghost to somebody else, he’s not even that attached to you and won’t be offended.

10. Battle him.
I guess you could just scream at the ghost until fire starts sprouting around you and you have to do some weird curse you Googled online. Unless if it is the movie Ghost, like I said before. Then you make out with the ghost and it goes away. Or unless if it’s the Ghostbusters. Then it’ll go away in a hilarious way, and everybody will be much happier.