10 Ways to Know This is Not The Right Person For You
Love. It can unleash butterflies in your stomach, make you feel weak at the knees…and leave you completely blind to some serious red flags about the object of your affection. Hey, it happens, but if you’re going to fall for your assassin boss, maybe just don’t trust him not to kill you when it’s over. Check out our list of the top 10 ways to know that you’re into the wrong person, as learned from the movies (SPOILER ALERT!)
1. They keep an ice pick handy under the bed. (Basic Instinct)
Of course troubled detective Nick (Michael Douglas) is attracted to enigmatic crime novelist Catherine (Sharon Stone)—she’s sexy, she’s provocative and she loves a good game of cat and mouse. As Nick investigates her connection to a brutal murder, he begins an affair with her—willfully ignoring the piling evidence that pegs her as the killer. For him, it’s all part of the thrill—but little does he know she keeps the murder weapon right under her bed.
2. To them, cooking at your place means boiling the family pet. (Fatal Attraction)
After married attorney Dan (Michael Douglas) sleeps with editor Alex (Glenn Close), their fling snowballs into something terrifying enough to swear him off affairs forever. When he attempts to end things with her, the break up doesn’t quite take—Alex trashes his car, kidnaps his daughter, and boils his family’s pet bunny on their very on stove. Among other things (like attempted murder), of course.
3. They go way too far with the “bad boy” routine. (Fear)
You can’t blame naive teenager Nicole (Reese Witherspoon) when she falls for David (Mark Wahlberg) at a rave—he’s an irresistible combination of edgy and sweet. At first. Young love breeds bad decision making, and Nicole dismisses David’s early instances of possessiveness and suffers grave consequences. After killing her guy friend in a jealous rage, David holds Nicole’s family hostage and beheads the family dog. Definitely not a keeper.
4. They are a little bit too perfect. (Gone Girl)
In Fincher’s Gone Girl, Nick and Amy Dunne (Ben Affleck, Rosamund Pike) are a terrifying portrait of marital deception. Nick is no angel, but his seemingly perfect wife puts him through the ringer when she stages her own disappearance and frames him for her murder. Nothing like marrying a sociopath.
5. Their +1 to your wedding is a group of assassins. (Kill Bill Vol. 1 & 2)
Beatrix Kiddo (Uma Thurman), also known as “Black Mamba” within the assassin community, started sleeping with her infamous hit-man mentor Bill (David Carradine), but once she becomes pregnant, realizes that perhaps Bill isn’t the right person for her. At her wedding to another man, Bill shows up—with his Deadly Viper Assassination Squad in tow, naturally. Is anyone surprised?
6. They cut deals with the devil. (Rosemary’s Baby)
Rosemary (Mia Farrow) possesses a charming naiveté, especially when it comes to her struggling actor husband, Guy (John Cassavetes). When brought in on a Satanic cult in the couple’s new apartment building, Guy jumps at the chance to do a deal with the devil in order to further his stage career. The deal involves impregnating his wife with the spawn of Satan.
7. They have a questionable obsession with slasher flicks. (Scream)
Sidney Prescott (Neve Campbell) hearts Billy Loomis (Skeet Ulrich). At least until she uncovers that he is one of the two killers who’ve picked off her friends, classmates and mother during their twisted spree. Despite his being around just before or after any encounter with the mask donning killer(s), it isn’t until Billy reveals himself that Sidney finally sees him for what he really is.
8. All work and no play makes them dull. Dull = psychotic. (The Shining)
Jack Torrance (Jack Nicholson) was never a perfect husband—he was moody, selfish, could be heavy handed with his son, etc.—but when he uproots his family to the isolated Overlook hotel in order to work on his novel, his behavior crosses completely into “I need to leave this person immediately” territory. As her husband succumbs to insanity and suffers a murderous mental break, Wendy (Shelly Duvall) does everything she can to keep herself and her son alive. Not exactly the perfect match.
9. The ghost of their murdered lover haunts you. (What Lies Beneath)
Claire (Michelle Pfeiffer) becomes convinced that she’s being haunted by the ghost of her neighbor’s murdered wife, and she wastes no time in whipping out an Ouija board and spying on her suspect. What she doesn’t do, however, is turn any suspicion on her husband Dr. Norman Spencer (Harrison Ford), who’s pretty young student had gone missing the year before. Norman begs her to stop investigating, eventually making a horrifying confession when she doesn’t comply. It’s fair to argue that Claire may have realized Norman’s secret sooner, had she faced the incriminating clues.
10. Their family reunions get crazy. And not in a fun way. (You’re Next)
In this black comedy slasher film, Erin (Sharni Vinson) walks into the epicenter of crazy while accompanying boyfriend Crispian (AJ Bowen) on a murder-heavy family reunion. As masked assailants pick off the relatives and guests, it becomes clearer and clearer that the killings are an inside job. Plots to inherit the family’s wealth had been cooked, assassins had been hired—and at the end of the day, Crispian was right at the center of it. At least Erin gets the chance to dump (ahem, kill) her villainous lover.
People do crazy things in the name of love, and the same goes for lust—check out our movie list of 10 times cheating was a truly bad idea.