Top 10 Most Unrealistic Sex Scenes in the Movies
Movies are all about imagination, fantasy, suspension of disbelief—especially when it comes to their sex scenes. But the mind is capable of only so much mental gymnastics before it goes “Nuh-uh.” Here are the worst cinematic offenders of all time.
1. On the beach in Swept Away
In Hollywood, beaches are sultry spots just begging to be screwed on. In real life—or in the in the movie Airplane—you’re more likely to get knocked flying by a wave, draped in sea weed and forcibly given a sand enema by Poseidon. Madonna getting down in her black bikini in the sand might’ve made her then-husband Guy Ritchie jealous, but it leaves us chilly.
2. Public sex in Crank
Jason Statham’s character is injected with a lethal drug that will kill him if he doesn’t keep his adrenaline up, so he enlists the help of his girlfriend (Amy Smart) … and they do it on the street in broad daylight in front of hundreds of people in Chinatown. Of course, this is without explaining why he wants to do it then and there. And it’s not without many protests and much struggling from said girlfriend, while onlookers do nothing to intervene. Of course, within seconds the sexual assault becomes totally hot for Smart (only in Hollywood) and she proceeds with moves and dirty talk that would make the most seasoned exhibitionist blush.
3. Undead honeymoon sex in Breaking Dawn
Even Robert Pattinson admitted that in the scene in which Edward and Bella consummate their marriage he had to hold onto the bed’s headboard in the most awkward, uncomfortable, painful way. Planking during intercourse to the point where your body is shaking uncontrollably while hovering over your partner is not exactly hot.
4. The driving scene in The Chase
Characters who don’t pay enough attention to the road while driving is a common flaw in movies and TV, but the driving scene between Kristy Swanson and Charlie Sheen while he’s behind the wheel and she hops on top of him in The Chase? Forget it.
5. Elizabeth Berkley and Kyle McLachlan splash around in Showgirls
They look more like they’re signaling for help during a drowning than actually getting it on. And only in Hollywood is it possible to do it in a pool or hot tub. It’s all performance, no pleasure—at least for her.
6. Britney Spears loses her virginity in Crossroads
It’s simultaneously sweet and hilarious: Spears’ character and her boyfriend do that classic, only-in-Hollywood, orgasmic hand thing: the camera focuses on both of their hands reaching out and coming together in a metaphor for (we assume) simultaneous orgasm and/or a melding of souls. On your first time? We wouldn’t put money on it. Plus, Britney Spears as a virgin? Please.
7. The cheerleader roleplaying scene in A History of Violence
Only professional actors—in this case, Maria Bello and Viggo Mortensen—could maintain the kind of straight face and suspension of disbelief required to make this scene so hot. And we admit it: it’s freakin’ hot. (So sue us, we don’t always need our movie sex scenes to be realistic.) But the chances of two normal, mortal, middle-aged beings pulling off a 69 while one of them is dressed in her high school cheerleading outfit? Slim to none.
8. The bathroom quickie in Unfaithful
How many women do you know who can have a zero-to-sixty quickie orgasm without the aid of a Hitachi Magic Wand? And how many women do you know who can pull this off in a cramped public bathroom stall in a New York City restaurant? The Unfaithful scene, starring Diane Lane and Olivier Martinez, gets bonus points because they’re standing up (see #10).
9. On the staircase in The Thomas Crown Affair
What do movies have against beds? In the alternate reality on-screen, it’s not only possible but actually orgasmic to do it in awkward positions on hard, unforgiving surfaces like a piano (Pretty Woman) a subway car (Risky Business), a kitchen table (The Postman Always Rings Twice, 1981) and, in the prize-winning scene from The Thomas Crown Affair: on a cold, marble staircase.
10. Standing up sex in Jerry Maguire (1996)
Ask people to name their favorite Hollywood sex scene and chances are, a standing sex scene will come up. For some reason, two people doing it upright just conveys heat. But how often does anyone actually climax in this position? Well, Tom Cruise and his redheaded, dirty-talking fiance (played by Kelly Preston) certainly do in Jerry Maguire. Bonus points because they have a simultaneous orgasm in this scene, which is pretty much the only kind of orgasm that gets the Hollywood stamp of approval.
It’s getting hot in here. Check out the top 10 sex scenes too steamy for American cinema, and the best gay sex scenes in mainstream movies.