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Joan Rivers rails against rude moviegoers

The world’s funniest crabapple, Joan Rivers, goes to see movies now and again – no doubt to get ammunition for her monologues – and what she usually finds is discomfort, rudeness, and total annoyance. And not just on the screen.

In her new book, I Hate Everyone…Starting With Me, Rivers declares war on those who make cinema an experience in anxiety. Says she, “I hate people who go to the movies and act like they’re watching Netflix in their den.” Hallelujah!

Her rules aimed at these cretins are hard to argue with:

(1)    Shut up!

Joan doesn’t want to hear your narration—and I agree that having some unpaid Morgan Freeman type in the house can make things extremely irritating! I’ve always felt that, unless it’s THE ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW and you’re reciting the lines in unison with the cast, the cross-talking is beyond unnerving—like when your computer is still playing the last YouTube video you were watching as you start a whole new one. And I would add that if it’s a TRANSFORMERS or BATTLESHIP type film and you still need explanations, you should probably never leave the house again.

(2)   Don’t sit there texting!

When Joan sees a white light in a dark room, she starts being overcome with creepy, sci-fi-ish thoughts. She’s there for a good time, not for hints that the angel of death has come a-calling. Do your inane communicating on your own time.

(3)   And please don’t make an extra fool of yourself by clapping at the end of the movie!

Joan says she’s quite certain that the actors are not in the theater to hear your applause – they’re in rehab.

Before you clap for Joan’s rules, let me add one of my own:

* Please just leave your seat a maximum of one time throughout the evening! If you have to go to the bathroom and you also want to buy candy, why don’t you do that all in one big trip rather than make three or four journeys out of it? I always grab an aisle seat because I happen to like the sense of available escape, but the problem with that is everyone else in the row is fidgety and antsy and apparently can’t fuse their various bodily needs into one big mission. As a result, I have to get up and down so many times before the movie starts that my knees start snapping.

Gosh, I’m starting to sound like Joan Rivers. And I sort of like it!