Why haven't movies been made from these TV shows yet?

When Hollywood is angling to drum up some easy box office returns, they invariably raid an old TV series for a remake that they can pull off with higher production values and bigger stars, if not always larger amounts of vigor and imagination.

Most recently, 21 Jump Street joined the legacy of TV-to-movie epics like Mission: Impossible, The A Team, Charlie’s Angels, The Mod Squad, The Flintstones, and a whole bunch more, the results ranging from sheer escapist fun filled with misty memories of shows that helped shape our characters to sheer torture that should have stayed in the tube, where it died a gruesome death long ago.

But as long as virtually every show in history seems to be getting transformed into a film these days, why on earth have they left out these titles?

Golden Girls
Not only is Betty White still on top, she looks pretty much the same as she did in the ‘80s! To round out the cast, how about Judi Dench, Olympia Dukakis, and Cloris Leachman? After all, 70 is the new 60 and 80 is the new 60–and this ensemble would translate into rip-roaring cinematic quality at any age.

Hogan’s Heroes
The classic—and classically tasteless– sitcom about a German POW camp would make an attention-grabbing film, especially if done in a more serious manner (maybe Spielberg is available for the job?). No, wait. Just cast Mel Gibson as the bumbling Nazi, Colonel Klink. Critics will say it’s the role he was born to play!

The Cosby Show
This is such a no-brainer. All the roles can be played by Tyler Perry. He’d look amazing in those patterned sweaters—and as the women, too.

The Sopranos
Someone extra-tough is required for the role of Tony Soprano. No, not Glenn Close as Albert Nobbs. This could be the comeback Nicolas Cage so sorely needs. It would get his career to “snap out of it!” As for the part of Carmela, Melissa Leo is definitely the ticket. And Big Pussy? Alec Baldwin! Bada-bingo!

The Real Housewives of New York
Why wait until a show fades into collectible lunch boxes and lava lamps to turn it into a movie? Why even wait six years, like the Arrested Development creators did before starting up a screen version (which is scheduled to come out after some new episodes stream on Netflix)? Things are happening so quickly in movieland that in no time they will be adapting current shows. For the Housewives movie, you can readily line up Julianne Moore, Charlize Theron, Rachel McAdams, and Sandra Bullock, and stand back as reality TV turns into cinema gold. If it’s a hit, the same troupe can go on to play the Real Housewives of Miami, New Jersey, Atlanta, Beverly Hills, and anywhere else from Ronkonkoma to Rangoon. Some slight altering of hair and lipstick and they’re there.

As for the inevitable movie version of My Strange Addiction—the cable show about weirdies with bizarre obsessions, like making love to their car—get Johnny Depp and make way for some unconventional genius. Duh!