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Keep Newt in the pink!

Now before someone hunts me down and strips me of my Gay credentials, hear me out. Up until recently, like this past Tuesday, the republican primary run-off had been non-stop entertainment for liberals, lefties, pinkos and communists about town. We’ve gorged ourselves on the results as the polls closed, because they were so baffling and telling at the same. It’s the stuff elite cocktail parties are made of. So in an attempt to keep this game going for as long as possible, I have a suggestion. Support Newt Gingrich’s campaign, financially.

There’s just no way any proud Homosexual, even a Romeny Gay (notice the “men” in the middle of that noun) would get behind Santorum. He’s on a holy mission direct from God to put the world (read: America) back on the path of righteousness. But Rick is in second place, and were it not for the delusional meddling of the only censured Speaker of the House, he would most likely be in the lead. Gingrich has been splitting the socially conservative vote in a way that has kept Santorum from sprinting ahead. A scary thought.

If Rachel Maddow’s math is correct, and to be frank it probably is, Mitt has been winning state primaries by motivating each state’s top income earners to get to the polls and vote. He has spurred the fat cats, the ladies who lunch, and prodigal sons into action. Kind of like Obama did with every undergrad, liberal puppy in ’08. But there are only so many wealthy people in the world (hence one percent).

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If Newt and his delusions of grandeur were not in the game at this time, Rick would might be polishing the floor with Mitt, and we’d lose our three-ring circus. I guess we’d have to focus on the Arab world imploding, or the collapse of the European market, or the inhuman conditions of prisons in Central America, or something (just not Kony), but I digress. Cutting Newt out would have a drastic affect on the primary outcome for Santorum, the biggest homophobe since Roy Cohn, or Ted Haggard.

The great showdown between the two parties isn’t until the fall, six months away. And seeing as Romney already has a cadre of uppity, well to do—or rather, people that feel they want to be associated with the one percent—homosexuals who would rather trade in their civil liberties, and lovers, for some self-loathing sense of honor, pitching in for Newt is almost like a duty. Besides any and all quality entertainment has a price tag. Consider this yours, and coff it up.