Forget Chinese Gossip Girl, here are some shows we want to see exported

If you still watch Gossip Girl, you’re either a 15-year-old slightly behind on the trends or a really loyal fan of the show. Update: Serena is still awful, Blair married a prince and this show is coming to China. I’m not sure how the show will translate for Chinese audiences, but I’m certainly excited for it. For example, how will they go shopping at Prada for ridiculously high-end couture without Prada? Oh, wait. They have Prada in China? This might work. Will Chuck Bass’ famous line, “you’re like the Arabians [horses] my father used to own: rode hard and put away wet” have the same unbelievable creepiness when spoken in Mandarin? I’m willing to bet yes, and I’m willing to find out. In fact, I’d love to see even more television shows remade overseas. Here are some of my ideas:

1. The Biggest Loser: Nobody’s fatter than America, and don’t you forget it! We’re so much fatter than everybody else, because we have In-N-Out and a lack of self-restraint! But, the Chinese are catching up. In the Chinese version of the weight loss show, contestants will lose between five to fifteen pounds before they reach their goal weight (because they didn’t go overboard and gain 80 pounds in their last breakup). They eat a reasonable amount of food, and have no problem continuing to eat a reasonable amount of food. Everybody’s not that impressed, because not every country is filled with people who fit into two airline seats. When you get kicked off, however, you end up in a labor camp so the stakes remain high.

2. True Blood: I’m not entirely sure how Chinese vampires would be different from American vampires, except for the fact that they would now be Asian. However, I’m not concerned about this, because they would definitely still be sexy. True Blood, in all their 84 different plot lines at once that never seem to coincide and sort of drag the whole season, is still a great show. Why? Because the hottest guys on that show quite literally never wear shirts. And we could use more of that kind of thing in any country. It would really cheer people up.

3. Downton Abbey: It’s surprising how many Americans can become so obsessed with a British show about British people at the start of the Great War. It’d be nice to bring this over to China, except this time we’d get them fanatic over a group of Americans at the start of another great World War II. See what I did there? It doesn’t matter what the plot of the show is, as long as all the characters share longing looks at each other and plot against each other and then stare at each other some more. Rationing! Paint-on stockings! Lesbian love triangles due to the lack of hot, young men! Oh, and they need to cast Maggie Smith as some sort of Rosie the Riveter doyenne. Then it should be fine.

I’m sure my ideas are being considered by many Chinese television executives at this very moment. I mean, if they’re interested in Gossip Girl, which has already had its time in the sun, why wouldn’t they listen? Bonus idea: Whitney: Somebody should just take this show. Why don’t you ship the whole thing over to China and get rid of it all together? Thanks.