The Oscars: If the Academy were a little more turned on
When the Oscars primarily entail being lectured by a bunch of narcissistic celebrities about how awesome and important their jobs are, when the highlight is Sacha Baron Cohen spilling the Bisquick ashes of Kim Jong Il all over “Bryan” Seacrest’s $1000 suit on the red carpet, and when the most scandalous moment of the night revolves around determining whether J. Lo is accidentally (or purposely?) showing areola or not, then you know you’ve got to make things a little more interesting. Here’s how: imagine what movies would have won if the Academy wasn’t so afraid of sex:
Best Supporting Actress: Melissa McCarthy — for her portrayal of unbridled, uninhibited, unapologetic sexuality outside the strict boundaries of “ideal” femininity.
Best Documentary: PINA — for their shirtless, muscular, sweaty dancing, aw yeah.
Best Animation: CHICO & RICO – When there’s kissing in the sample footage, there’s little doubt which is the sexiest animated film.
Best Supporting Actor, Christopher Plummer — They actually got it right.
Best Original Score, TINKER TAILOR SOLDIER SPY: It’s the only soundtrack you’d want to do it to. Okay, you wouldn’t actually want to do it to it. But it’s the only one that captures the drama of sex. Sort of.
Best Original Screenplay, BRIDESMAIDS: Women being smart, funny, creative and center stage. That’s hot.
Best Original Song, “Never Be Daunted” by Jaymay from THANKYOUMOREPLEASE: There were 30-something eligible songs from last year to be considered, and they only settled on two — two from two kids’ movies. We love the Flight of the Conchords guy, but come on. Here’s a better alternative: this song from the indie rom com is sweet, longing and lovey-dovey. Listen to it and you’ll agree.
Best Actor, Jean Dujardin: What can we say — they got this one right too. That smile will put you on the first bus to Swoon City!
Best Actress, Michelle Williams: There was no way she’d win, but she was so pretty to look at in MY WEEK WITH MARILYN.
Best, Most Endearing Performance of the Night, Emma Stone. As she walked out to make her first award presentation ever, we said, “We don’t get her appeal.” After her presentation, we said, “We get it.” Total commitment to a role is sexy as hell.
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