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Here are some free jokes for Billy Crystal

Last year’s Academy Awards telecast awkwardly tried for laughs, but most critics felt the only real joke was that the show got on the air at all. Well, it’s a whole new year, with fresh chances for button pushing and laugh grabbing. And bravely returning for his ninth hosting gig, Billy Crystal is just the man who can save the extravaganza from having to add a laugh track.

Billy’s always been a regular riot—but just in case he needs a little help with his material, I’m here to provide a bunch of topically hilarious one-liners completely gratis, to guarantee that he uncovers comic gold rather than step in tragic ick. All I ask in return is a gift bag and five tickets to the after party. All right, four.

Here goes:

“Is there anything Meryl Streep can’t do? Except sing ABBA songs?”

“A silent movie—THE ARTIST–might actually win Best Picture tonight. Talk about budget cutbacks!”

“I feel I’ve now seen Michael Fassbender’s private parts almost as often as I’ve seen my own lately. SHAME indeed!”

“THE IDES OF MARCH was about a politician who tries to hide the fact that he slept with an intern. Movies today just aren’t believable anymore!”

“Unfortunately, Jessica Chastain couldn’t be here tonight. She’s filming three more movies!”

YOUNG ADULT is the story of a rapidly aging professional who acts like she’s still in high school. Kim Kardashian!”

“Woody Allen had his biggest hit in years and he’s still married to Soon-Yi. Someone check the Weather Channel to see if hell’s frozen over.”

“A Scorsese kiddie picture? Ridiculous. I kept waiting for Hugo to turn to Sacha Baron Cohen and say, ‘You talkin’ to me?’ ”

“Judging from the box office receipts for HUGO, people obviously thought it was called DON’T GO.”

“WE BOUGHT A ZOO was so accurate it was like a documentary—except that the real story was set in England, the zookeeper was actually a male, and the animals relieved themselves way more often.”

“Speaking of wild creatures doing number two all over the place, how about that BRIDESMAIDS?”

“We Need To Talk About Kevin Bacon—and how he feels about that FOOTLOOSE remake!”

“Glenn Close as a man looked way better than Glenn Ford as a man.”

And finally (as he runs for the exit)….

“If Rooney Mara married Mickey Rooney, she’d be…crazy!”

You’re welcome, Billy.

All right, three tickets.