The classy way to give a dirty gift on Valentine's Day
What’s a recession-friendly Valentine’s Day gift that will always be received gladly? Unilateral oral sex is a pretty good bet. Or perhaps a half-hour massage with no pressure to reciprocate. Or maybe dressing up as a cowboy and doing your best BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN impression. But how do you make such generous sexual offers feel like an actual gift that you planned in advance — as opposed to a last-minute, oh-shit-I-didn’t-make-it-to-the-mall-in-time present? A hand-written promise to talk dirty, unabated, for 20 minutes is kind of sweet (at least, it is if that’s your partner’s bag), but it can come across as a little half-hearted. A little unofficial, if you will. No witnesses, no signatures in blood, etc.
Enter Datevitation.com‘s love coupons. This site lets you build a custom coupon book — you get a choice of illustrations and you can either use their suggested wording or write your own. The options range from the PG — Bubble Bath, Pillow Fight, Make-Out Session, Stargazing — to the decidedly raunchy — 69, Rodeo, Tie Me Up. Pick a selection of favors for your partner (we’re particular fans of the illustrations accompanying the Sexual Fantasy and Kitchen Sex). Oh, and while we’re guessing that the whole coupon gift thing is probably a bit of a heterosexual trend, the site caters to all sexualities with its illustrations. A standard book of five coupons will set you back $15 (you can add additional coupons for $1 each). You need to allow time for printing and shipping — if you order now, your book will arrive in plenty of time for V-Day.
By the way, in some U.S. states (like California), it’s illegal to put expiration dates on coupons — but even if you’re in a state like New York that allows expiration dates, don’t expect your partner to go for this legal argument. Talk about awkward: you dump your partner before they get to cash in all their coupons and they show up at your wedding demanding that half hour of of Wilderness Sex. So if you think your relationship might not last as long as the book of coupons, maybe a box of chocolates is a better idea instead. Anything else could get you reported to the Better Boinking Bureau.