When sex and merchandise don't mix

The only thing worse than sex being used to sell products that have nothing to do with sex is when sex is actually put into a product in some way when it shouldn’t be. Below are four sex product fails – don’t even think about them as potential holiday gifts, not even stocking stuffers. You’ve been warned:

  • Bacon Lube: J&D’s wants the world to taste like bacon, so they made bacon salt, and baconnaise, bacon ranch and even bacon lip balm. So we guess it was only a matter of time before they made bacon lube. They say it started out as an April Fool’s prank but then got so many requests that they had to follow through with bacon-flavored personal lubricant and massage oil. Fortunately, it’s only available for a limited time.

  • Erotic Energy Drinks: As if Red Bull weren’t bad enough – Big Cock cola and Little Pussy passion fruit drink are now available in Las Vegas. Of course they are.

  • Occupy Porn: The pepper spray isn’t even dry and already there’s OWS-themed porn. Is nothing sacred? This is why neocons think the protests are just a bunch of dirty free lovers who want to lie around all day having sex in public instead of getting a job.

  • Lindsay Lohan’s Sex Molds: Okay, this one hasn’t actually been produced and probably never will be (though she did say yes to full frontal in Playboy, so who knows?). We feel a little nauseous giving the Fleshlight attention for their one million dollar offer publicity stunt, but we think the public shaming is worth it. Go Tenga!

  • Blow-up Sex Doll High Heels: Yes, these are more art project than actual product, but still. Let’s hope Payless doesn’t get the rights to have them mass produced.

  • Horror Dildos: We try not to judge other people’s fantasies. And we know “The Walking Dead” is a really, reallly popular show for some reason (character likability can’t be one of them). But we draw the line at zombie dildos. Frankly, we haven’t seen something this inappropriate since Divine Interventions, a.k.a. the Jesus dildos.