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Santa's busy night

Even as an Apple fanboy, I’m a bit skeptical as to whether Santa uses Siri as they assert in their new holiday commercial, but if this analysis by The Atlantic is accurate then Apple might want to update the commercial and show that instead of 3.7 billion appointments, Santa has approximately 526 million children he has to visit. Given certain assumptions (one, Santa exists, obvi), The Atlantic ran a study to determine just how many kids he has to visit on Christmas night. Their chart above illustrates what Santa and his reindeers’ busy night would look like as he raced around the world.

There are just over 526,000,000 Christian kids under the age of 14 in the world who celebrate Christmas on December 25th. In other words, Santa has to deliver presents to almost 22 million kids an hour, every hour, on the night before Christmas. That’s about 365,000 kids a minute; about 6,100 a second. Totally doable.

Especially when you consider the uneven distribution of kids in the world. Santa needs to hit 22 million kids every hour. If Santa starts at the International Date Line and heads west, the first four time zones he passes barely contain that many kids waiting for presents. He’s already got three hours in the bank. Until, you know, he gets to Europe, which kind of breaks his schedule.

The magazine’s next story should look into whether Santa’s elves are unionized. When he’s not busy delivering gifts, he’s a active in Hollywood starring in some memorable films some of which are quite good (I love me some MIRACLE ON 34TH STREET marathons on TV), but boy, has he also been in some duds. Fandango recently surveyed its customers asking what the worst Christmas movie of all time is. The results:

1. Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
2. Silent Night, Deadly Night
3. Jingle All the Way
4. Jack Frost
5. Santa With Muscles
6. Ernest Saves Christmas
7. Home Alone 3
8. Deck the Halls
9. Surviving Christmas
10. Christmas With the Kranks

Based on this promising clip, SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE MARTIANS should become a December classic.