Five other Republican primary ads you should be watching

We all know about Rick Perry’s slaughter on human decency–now the most unliked video on Youtube. I hope every time he talks about gay people in the American Military a gay man gets married to somebody he loves. But Rick Perry’s not the only person running ridiculous ads in the Republican primaries. Sure, they might not be as outwardly as homophobic, but it still terrifies me that these people could become president (well, except Herman Cain–how we miss him). Oh, hell, it scares me that these videos were even made in the first place! Here are five of the best:

1. Michele Bachmann’s “Believe It”

Highlights: The campaign title alone–Believe It–kind of screams “Hell, I’ll Run for President, I guess! Screw It!” The outfit screams “Chico’s Art Teacher Sass” and the earrings mean some serious sort of scrap metal business. The blanket statement that Barack Obama has driven our economy into a ditch like some sort of Dennis Hopper maniac from the movie Speed is pretty priceless. Also, I did not know Glamour Shots did videos.

Lowlight: No crazy eyes!

2. Herman Cain’s “Yellow Flowers”

Highlights: This is a real video. This is NOT a joke. This is one of his insane campaign videos, a fake Western that has neither Hermain Cain or any political campaign promises except that Hermain “won’t read off a teleprompter.” It DOES have, however, spitting on people’s shoes, mango margaritas, and a really rude actor that yells at people but is supposed to be likeable.

Lowlights: Oh God, this is a real video!!!

3. Hermain Cain’s “Now Is The Time For Action”

Highlights: The creepy, lecherous grin in the finale of the video of Hermain Cain. I’ve seen smiles like that only in my deepest of nightmares. The amazing “I Am…AMERICA” woman singing the tune that will no doubt be stuck in your head all day as you are setting free bald eagles and riding in your pickup truck. The shot of Cain’s campaign advisor smoking a cigarette, grinning at the camera like “yeah, I’m smoking.” Kids, if you want to see the harmful effects of smoking, check out that guy’s shoe leather face!

Lowlights: Wish this video were eight minutes longer. Can smoking seem TOO cool? Why doesn’t Hermain Cain speak? NO PIZZA.

4. Jon Huntsman’s Daughters : Spoof Ad

Highlights: The America Music again! Seriously, I’m full on dancing to this song, even if I am totally aware that Hunstman’s daughters are doing it to make fun of Herman Cain, I can’t help but jiggy to the rockin’ song about our great country. The fact that Huntsman’s daughter’s all look like John McCain’s daughter Meghan doesn’t hurt their case. The low light MacBook Pro lighting of this video, however, does. The Don Johnson white blazers. The bubble blowing! Oh, can’t every Presidential campaign include whimsical bubbles?

Lowlights: The mustaches? No, I’m reaching. Who cares what’s bad about this video? Hunstman is hardly registering in the polls. He’s too normal.

5. Ron Paul: “The One Who Can Beat Obama”

Highlights: The fake movie trailer is a great idea when seen in a Saturday Night Live Sketch, but in a political campaign? Why the hell not! At least we get a glimpse of Mitt Romney’s awesome Salt’N'Pepa hair. At least we get to hear the phrase LOST HOPE, while a woman straight out of a depression ad stares at her window. Is this the apocalypse? What is happening? The amazing font that I think is from NBC’s The Voice. The swelling music! The cheering! This is just like the end of TEEN WOLF!

Lowlights: Not enough of cryptkeeper Ron Paul.

Bonus Video: Jon Huntsman Makes No Sense