A Very Gaga Christmas

If you celebrated Thanksgiving like any American family—with the arguments and the sweet potatoes — you may have caught A Very Gaga Thanksgiving. I watched it and it was weirdly macabre and oddly lit. I loved it because I hated it; I hated it because I loved it. The Katie Couric interview! The 12 costume changes! The salami waffles and the interpretive dancing! The only bad thing about it is she’s not doing one for Christmas. But, I’m like Santa Claus and I give gifts, so I’m planning a Christmas special for her.

Curtain — Lady Gaga comes out of a long hallway wearing a tree, or IS a tree. A tree covered in dildos. She breaks out in “Bad Romance” as everybody in the world freaks out. She still does that song! We love that she still does that song! She’s standing inside a gingerbread house that is made up men wearing gold body paint and gold spandex booty shorts. Instead of singing the highest WANT YOUR BAD ROMANCE right where she catches fire in the vid, she sings WANTS A WHITE CHRISTMAS! And we all nod because yes, because who doesn’t want a white Christmas.

Now we are at Gaga’s favorite Manhattan dive bar, she is making snow angels outside in a Versace dress made out of a plastic bag and three giant expensive safety pins. “This place,” she says in her signature gravelly voice, “is where I got my love of Christmas.” She definitely does not explain this, but we go inside and it turns out we are really in a snow globe. She plays a real rockin’ version of “Government Hooker” with Dolly Parton.

Commercial break—is that Zach Braff’s voice in the Britta commercials?

Now Gaga is dressed up as the rattling ghost of Christmas past, but with way more sparkles. She’s with a group of attractive children, because watching Gaga with children is so weirdly fitting and these children are all dressed up like milkmaids. She tells said children the story of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. Except Rudolph is gay in this story and he gets bullied. OF COURSE Rudolph is gay. Comet was such a dick. These kids will grow up to not be homophobic. Huzzah!

This is where your grandmother changes the channel and you have to fight her for the remote.

Lady Monster returns and does a duet of “Santa Baby” with Jo Calderone. It’s inspiring because she’s a good actor and can play both parts well. She climbs onto Santa’s lap and laments that her reindeer headband and smoking jacket were made by Karl Lagerfield for his “Top Gun” collection. Celebrity chef Bobby Flay materializes makes her a sweet potato pudding that she puts on the sides of her mouth but does not really eat.

Commercial break where you pour yourself another vodka because that’s what Gaga would want.

Bette Midler and Whitney Houston perform “Little Drummer Boy” with a boys choir. The camera pulls out to reveal that Gaga is not only the puppeteer of this duet, but the puppeteer of the entire universe.

Now Gaga’s in the North Pole. She’s wearing a bikini and a fur hood. She tells us all the true meaning of Christmas is just acceptance and figgy pudding. She riffs on the guitar as Anderson Cooper asks her questions about her childhood. She answers every question with the beginning sounds of “Highway Unicorn,” acapella. I can hear my own screams and your screams, and we get a ten second preview of her next video before she asks us to sacrifice an animal to see another ten seconds AND WE DO. Then she eats the dried fruit out of one piece of fruitcake while the show doesn’t really end, it just simmers down and slowly ghosts away.

Call us, Gaga. We can make this happen.

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