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A Happy Holidays from the Internet


Image credit: uglychristmaslights.com

It’s the holiday season, which can only mean one thing–booze. Or family. Or Jesus Christ. I have no idea what the holiday season means, except that it gets colder and I get heavier and I still can’t wrap presents. As a true ‘millennial’ I’ve never been very good at the holidays, because I’m selfish and underemployed, but I am very good at the Internet. Kids these days are so lazy and tech-obsessed! Occupy North Pole! For your viewing pleasure, however, I am here to give you all the pleasures and comforts of the holiday season via the world wide web. Don’t leave your couch this December! Don’t fly home with Crate and Barrel ornaments that will break on the flight! Just sit in front of your computer…just like you do every other day of the year!

1. The Decorations

Why spend good time and money on a large inflatable Snoopy or 3,000 fluorescent light bulbs that wrap against your bushes and look like a truck is about to plow into your house? Nothing is worse than putting up holiday lights, and I really mean that. Hell is just going to be a ladder and 3 million Christmas lights and a woman yelling at you to put them up. My dad spent days untangling and re-tangling them, trying to find the one broken bulb in the sea of little failures. He’d curse the world, hands cold and nose colder, and for what? So our Jewish neighbors would feel alienated? Instead, look at these failures and accept that your lights probably don’t look THAT great, either.


2. The Shopping

If you’re not going home or simply don’t have the money to buy people presents, I hope you don’t forget the joys of shoving your whole body into other people to get to the last cashmere sweater in a size six. The holidays are about gift-giving and they are about violence. Nothing says Christmas cheer more like the joys of spending the holidays knowing you broke a woman’s leg and sold your soul to the devil for the price of an Xbox.


3. The Holiday Music

With every Christmas song we’ve heard again and again, there’s always the one person in your family who has to obnoxiously sing along to the whole thing. Here, we get the best of both worlds, as the terrible person is already singing the song for you. I’m suspecting this guy is either a cat or being attacked and murdered by a cat at the moment.


4. The Food and Drink

Sandra Lee encapsulates everything I love about cooking during the holiday season: do it drunk. Everybody’s going to complain about it behind your back anyway, so you might as well just have fun and throw some back whilst doing it. I can’t tell you how many Christmas Cookies came out like scones because I was drinking alcoholic hot chocolate and forgot to check the oven. Anyway, look at this cake she made! If this isn’t evidence enough at how drunk she probably was, check out her tree.


5. The Presents

If you think this season is actually about giving, watch these little brats get mad because their parents gave them less than desirable presents. It’ll make you secretly thankful you didn’t send your cousins jack squat this holiday season, or at least make you want to start giving onions out as presents. Everybody needs onions, it’s the basis for most recipes!!

Bonus: Since most of the list has to do with Christmas, I won’t forget the rest of you!