Halloween, and other things I hate

I hate Halloween. Before you cascade me with weak metaphors and insults that don’t really break the surface, hear me out. Think about all that Halloween represents:

Kids: Your child is neither cute nor charming, and throwing a bed sheet over the poor kid’s head still doesn’t make it cute or charming, it just makes it look like a Klan member.

And hey, parents, great idea to let your kids dress up and ask strangers for a “trick or treat,” (Halloween must be an unthinkably grand holiday for pedophiles) and run through traffic on a corn syrup high (in “fun-sized” portions, of course) on a quest to accumulate enough candy to clinch type 2 diabetes before the age of ten.

Office Dress-up: While not officially sanctioned by most offices, there’s always that group. You know them, usually the woman in accounts payable, the wacky guy (whose yearly hatchet-through-the-head gag seems more like a good idea now than a costume) and the middle manager who wants to show you how “in-touch with the little guys” he is by making everyone feel extremely uncomfortable with a topical outfit (this year: Occupy “enter office name here”).

Ringing My Doorbell: Now my dog fucking hates Halloween, too.

Candy: Simply put, I don’t need a fucking holiday to tell me I can eat candy. I’m an adult, goddamn it.

That said, the fine, lovely people at Sundance Channel are embracing this shit holiday by running three excellent horror movies: BLOODY REUNION, POSSESSION OF DAVID O’REILLY, and DREAM HOME, which is perhaps the first bit of good news to come out of Halloween (or maybe it’s not and I’m just flattered that they just pay me to write things – your call).

So what do I do when I’m so filled with non-denominational holiday rage? I eat a shitload of meat and feel way better.

Beef Short Rib Burgers

1 lb. beef short rib

¼ lb. bacon (thick cut, don’t start caring about your health now)

A shitload of butter

Pickled jalapeños



Potato buns

To make your body forget the horribleness of Halloween, you’re gonna need to skip the chuck and step it up to ground short rib. A butcher will do this for you. If they won’t, don’t argue, they wield large knives. From a pound of meat, make 2 or 3 patties. Add 2 tablespoons of butter to a hot sauté pan over high heat and sear the shit out of the patties for about 6 minutes. Flip the burgers and cook about 3 minutes more for medium-rare (for beyond medium-rare, go fuck yourself). Baste the burger in butter and let sit for about 5 minutes. Make your house smell better and cook up some bacon, ‘cuz it takes 2 animals to cure your holiday blues. Butter the bun and start assembling, you can figure the rest out for yourself.

Zach Golden is the creator of the incredibly popular website, What the Fuck Should I Make For Dinner? Buy his amazing new book right now!