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Worst of Kickstarter

The whole point of these Picks is to keep you up to date about new Kickstarter projects that truly deserve your donations, but this last week the good stuff was hard to come by. I don’t know if the Kickstarter crew is on vacay or what, but some major duds definitely slipped through the cracks. Take the $5 minimum donation for these and treat your landlord to a beer, or, hell, just drop the money on the street. Whoever picks it up is more likely to put it to good use. And with that, I give you this week’s worst.

Skullp: pillow art

It’s an ugly pillow, no – it’s an squishy sculpture. Wait – it’s both! It’s Skullp! And it’s available for $60-$200. Selling points include being soft enough to act as a pillow but arty enough to hang on your wall. And hey, you don’t even need to break out the hammer and nails. Just take a couple of thumbtacks and you’re ready to decorate! The guy who designed this is so convinced that his pillows have “all the right stuff to be the next BIG THING,” that he’s apparently invested more than $100K into it, and now he just needs $20k more to hawk his wares at conventions in South Beach and Milan. Oh yeah, and maybe hire a spokesperson who’s not related to him or who doesn’t speak in the most dreadful monotone ever or who owns a pair of shoes.

The Move: Wear Your iPhone (or don’t, actually)

The Move is essentially an iPhone case you snap into your clothing because hey, let’s face it, hasn’t actually holding your phone up against gravity become a bit much lately?  Plus, it makes everyone look like a cyborg who has a phone embedded into their body. Some of its selling points include hands-free cooking by sticking the phone into your sleeve. That may work for the microwave, but on a stove with actual pots and pans that get hot and splash and steam and all kinds of other things not good for a phone – are you kidding? Oh and yeah, wear it on your tank top while you’re chilling down the sidewalk so it can make your shirt all saggy and ruin the fabric. My favorite is the call out to all private eyes and local creeps to “wear the Move to capture video discreetly.” This shit’s even dorkier than the beeper belt. But then right as I thought that they proved how totally not dorky it is by asking drunk people as a jazz concert to say how awesome wearing a t-shirt/camera is. I’m convinced.

Love is Art (aka doing it on canvas)

“Have you ever thought about making love on canvas? Now you can…safely.” The dude who started this says he’s been doing it on canvas and selling it off as art for the last ten years. Now he’s either broke after a decade of making paintings no one wants to buy or he’s so inspired by all his paint-splotched rendezvous that he got a mailing tube and crammed it with all the stuff you and your special someone need to do the exact same thing. Then, after you’ve finished you can hang your new piece of art on the wall over your bed or in your living room, where you can tell guests or your girlfriend’s parents about the painting’s origin story when they inevitably ask where you got that cool looking piece of art.

Includes speciality materials like:

A plastic sheet

Canvas

Paint

Those little shoe covers they give you in hospitals

A loofah