TRANSFORMERS 3: Robots on the Moon and in Space*
“I’m here to transform normal ingredients into an amazing drink!”
Introducing our new SUNfiltered blogger, Drank With That, to be enjoyed responsibly – or not.
Pop Quiz. If Michael Bay got in a bar fight with John Favreau, who would win? Obviously Michael Bay.
Ok, if Brett Favre showed up and he and his buddy John tried to tag team Michael Bay, who would win? Trick question, because the answer is still Michael Bay. Also, this would never happen because fighting Michael Bay is pretty much a suicide mission – in space. Why? Because of TRANSFORMERS 3! IN SPACE!
Movie franchises know that taking it to space is a surefire way to get a hit. THE MUPPETS took it to space, STAR WARS took it to space, AIRPLANE took it to space. Shoot, if the writers had figured out how to get Hightower into a space suit, we’d probably still be watching POLICE ACADEMY movies. For those of you snoozing out there: take it to space!
That’s what TRANSFORMERS 3 did, and that’s exactly what we did, too. What do you drank with that? Introducing the Obvious Prime:
Pack light because you’ve got to get this shit into orbit. We suggest freeze-dried:
- 1 metallic pouch of Astronaut ice cream (neapolitan)
- 1 metallic pouch of Freeze-dried bananas
- 1 metallic pouch of Freeze-dried mangoes
- 1 metallic pouch of Freeze-dried pineapple
- 2 spoons of Freeze-dried Tang (NASA took this shit into space!)
- 1 bottle of Robot-preferred Svedka vodka (not yet available as freeze-dried)
- Handheld (battery-powered) frother
Put all of this stuff in a cup (preferably a strong plastic cup because the frother will gnarl up the dinky paper cups they give away at the concession stand), add a little water, a lot of vodka and some ice to transform the freeze-dried stuff back to its normal form. Blend and drink.
It’s called the Obvious Prime because frothers are loud. Seriously loud. Even in a movie with as many explosions as this one, you’ve got to be strategic about when you blend, otherwise you might get ejected. So plan smart and look for robots on screen before you fire up your sidearm.
This alleyway looks clean enough for a photo op.
All said, this drink was delicious but the movie wasn’t that good. Basically, Transformers are on the moon and Neil Armstrong knows about it. Deceptacons know about it too. There’s also a super weapon called a Space Bridge that breaks all the rules in the movie. Shia LaDouche is in this movie too, and he’s got a new hot chick whose name we can’t remember (doesn’t matter anyway). The two of them pretty much get in the way of all the good robot porn.
Which brings your editors to the big problem with TRANSFORMERS 3: IN SPACE. Too much talking and not enough fighting! Mr. Bay, if you can hear me, don’t worry about the story. We know you don’t care about it anyway, so just stop pretending like it matters to you and get to the good stuff. (Yes, we know what we’re asking you to do. It’s okay. You’re never going to an Oscar anyway. That’s not what you’re in it for. Remember? You’ve got a higher calling.)
Overall, go see this movie and drink this drank. Plenty of noisy opportunities to emulsify your cocktail, a lot of overt patriotic references and too many opportunities to fist pump and high-five your buddy (in a good way).
Read more about TRANSFORMERS 3: IN SPACE on IMDB, the popular Internet movie site.
Disclaimer: Freeze-dried fruit does not transform back to its original form when you add vodka. It stays very weird, and kind of piles up on the bottom of your cup like a wet rag with a dry center. If you’re not deterred by texture, break off one of the arms of your 3D glasses to dig that shit out when it gets stuck in your cup.
Additional Disclaimer: Prepare to flip out because Buzz Aldrin has a speaking part in this movie! Holy-shit-why-isn’t-anyone-talking-about-this.com? Toast your Tang when you see him on screen. He’s a real American hero.
*Journalistic integrity compels us to confess that 95% of this review was written prior to actually seeing TRANSFORMERS 3: IN SPACE. After watching the movie we added the details about Buzz Aldrin and that hot chick whose name we don’t know.