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CONAN THE BARBARIAN: They massacred his family. They enslaved his people. They will tip accordingly.

When a Sumarian feels thirst, it is the thirst for blood. And vodka.

More from our new SUNfiltered blogger, Drank With That, to be enjoyed responsibly – or not.

We’ll keep this brief because there’s maybe seven lines of dialogue in this entire movie, five of which are in the info-dump at the beginning (expertly narrated by none other than Morgan Freeman). Let’s just start by saying that, in his defense, Conan was born to really terrible parents. And that goes a long way towards understanding his behavior. For starters, rather than stay home while very pregnant, his mom decides to go fight against this army of dreadlocked barbarians trying to enslave and kill her people. Then, when she gets killed (duh), his dad gives her a c-section, right there in the field. With like, an axe-type thing! Then he hangs around and keeps fighting and gets killed too, leaving Conan to fend for himself. Very iffy parenting. Very iffy medical care. Very iffy decision-making. But undoubtedly a family of tough bitches.

So Conan grows up and is more or less super pissed off about this, and the rest of the movie is him chopping the fuck out of people and their bodies to get revenge. Overall it’s pretty good if you like that sort of thing. We knew we would need a cocktail with lots of guts, so what’s a drink that doesn’t do a lot of talking, is good with a blade, and can hack n’ slash its way through a frantic 90-minute fight scene? Introducing “Conan the Bar-Backian”.

  • GRAB CUPS! Regal theaters don’t give out water cups, so your editors had to pay $5 for mediums, which are the smallest they have, so that technically makes them the smalls, all of which was lost on the kid at the concession stand. Not to mention the injustice of it all. So grab cups.
  • Vodka
  • Soda water
  • Straws with part of the wrapper still at the top
  • Lemons
  • Limes
  • Maraschino cherries
  • Grenadine
  • Paring knives or an axe
  • Little cocktail swords
  • Toothpicks

Get in the theater and set up the garnish station on/in your lap. Using the knives, slice the lemons and limes into wedges. Do so furiously, and if you cut yourself, do not fear pain. Do not fear death. Just put the wedges in the cup. Then stab them in the fucking face with the cocktail swords and toothpick spears. Put in some cherries and some ice. Pour in soda and vodka in a classic 2:1 proportion. Then drizzle grenadine over the whole bloody mess.

It’s basically a vodka soda – the preferred water-looking stealth drink of the barback community so they can booze on the job – combined with the gory, syrupy remains of your conquered foes (just fruit garnish, really). And it tastes great! CONAN probably would have really sucked without it.

The one drawback is that you’ll splatter juice everywhere and make a mess, but what are you, some kind of pussy? This drink is born on the battlefield. Conan ain’t apologizing for that.

You can read more about CONAN THE BARBARIAN at IMDB, the popular internet movie website.

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