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Reasons you're still single


Mike Sacks is one fifth of the hilarious Association for the Betterment of Sex, the cabal behind the book Our Bodies, Our Junk, which we wrote about last year. So we weren’t surprised in the least to discover how much funny there is in Sacks’ own book, Your Wildest Dreams, Within Reason. It’s a collection of 54 short humor pieces, many of them written in collaboration with the other members of the ABS, amongst others. The essays include everything from “Rules for My Cuddle Party” (“#1: Please do not give birth in the hot tub.”) to a bridegroom on Twitter (“Attempting to fist-bump rabbi”) and icebreakers to avoid (“This party reminds me of 9/11″). To give you a taste, we’re excerpting one of the essays here in full…

Reasons You’re Still Single

You . . .

Own a 60-inch flat-screen Plasma television, but sleep on a broken futon

Have a ferret on your shoulder, and you’re at the mall

Own tie-dyed gym clothes

Once took a night course on improving your oral sex technique

Only feel truly alive in the Renaissance Faire jousting area

Have your “lucky” anal beads hanging from your rear-view mirror

List “Dungeonmaster” on your business card

Hug amusement park mascots

Own a “It’s Not Going to Suck Itself” T-shirt and the “Not” Has Faded Away

Will do anything for “shits and giggles”

Display with pride your framed degree from bartending school

Have a “Peeing Calvin” decal on your electric car

Perform yoga in parks

Have a dangerously high Thetan count

Bring your camera to Happy Hour

Sleep with only a shirt, Porky Pig style

Refuse to drink any beer that has not been “beach-wood aged”

Have had something on your face since the late ’90s

Use the word “scrumptious”

Can only make love while blasting “Orinoco Flow” by Enya

Favorite pickup line: “Hi, I once beat to death an elderly deaf man.”

Have ever taken a date to a restaurant with license plates and antique rakes on the walls

Consider yo-yo tricks a wonderful way to break the ice

Define wearing an umbrella hat as your “calling card”

Carry an NPR “Fresh Air” tote bag

Have a screensaver of you posing with your Frisbee-golf bros

Believe the mouth is self-cleaning

Proudly display a Winnie the Pooh flag

Have been known to spontaneously break out in a doo-wop song

Initiate wedding line-dances

Own the complete trilogy of Benji novelizations

Steadfastly refuse to remove that birthmark in the shape of a swastika

Scream out “Wheel of Fortune” answers

Own slot-machine gloves

Emulate the fashion sense exhibited by the Rastafarian culture

Refer to your penis as “Da Mayor”

Purchased your dining room set using “Marlboro Miles”

Have an essentially unattractive appearance and/or personality

Excerpted with permission from your Your Wildest Dreams, Within Reason by Mike Sacks

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photo by MShades