Dubious product of the week: Woody Wipes

“I think you guys would love Woody Wipes,” went the email we received this week. “We are helping women around the U.S combat musty balls.” Um, yeah. We think that possibly the only thing creepier than seeing a box of baby wipes (adorned with a chubby Gerber baby face) next to a guy’s self-love lube in his nightstand, would be to see a box of Woody Wipes, adorned with a cartoon dude clutching a wipe and giving a self-satisfied thumbs up. Is there a phrase less sexy in the English language than “Woody Wipe”?!

Okay, okay, we admit (and have said so ourselves, as a matter of fact): Baby wipes — sorry, personal hygiene wet wipes — are actually a great idea for bedroom clean-up, either before or after a sesh. And the Woody Wipes’ tagline, “Does smell matter? Yes!!!” is something we’re down with, even if we didn’t need those extra two exclamation points. So perhaps it’s just the marketing and branding we take issue with, like their suggestion that the wipes are “great for freshening up the genital area after the gym, nightclub, or sexual activity.” The gym?! Any guy who expects a little post-gym oral attention without showering first —  but hey, Babe, I Woody-Wiped! — is probably the kind of guy who’d find it hilarious to proudly display his Woody Wipes on the coffee table.

Oh, and just in case you weren’t sure how to best use Woody Wipes and the related products like Wood-D0 (down-there deodorant), Woody Spray (down-there cologne), and Woody Wash, they offer these instructions: “Do you want to experience a climax after the climax? If so, try this out! After an intimate experience with your significant other, have them clean you off with some Woody Wipes. After that, have them rub you down with a warm towel and finish you off with some baby powder. This feels soooo good! Woody Wipes has taken the phrase ‘pamper yourself’ literally. Of course they have to be thorough and gentle. It’s an experience that you have to try out. It will have you saying goo, goo, ga, ga, all over again.” Yep, they actually went there, equating a less-than-fresh penis with the Gerber baby. What could possibly be left for us to say?