The wisdom and wit of Snooki

Somehow in the post-holidays hangover, we missed the fact that Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi — a.k.a. the Jersey Shore star with a pouf — made her debut as a novelist earlier this month, with A Shore Thing. Yep, she’s the one who once admitted she’d only read two books, Twilight and Dear John. (Which might explain why Snooki’s novel contains both a Bella and an Edward — not exactly the most common names overheard on a Jersey boardwalk.) We’re too busy reading George Eliot right now to actually read her entire snook, as we like to call it, but we have been enjoying reading the following brief excerpts out loud while lounging around in our silk pajamas and feeding each other grapes. Just in case you were expecting Hemingway, the cover helpfully explains that the novel is about “a girl [named Gia] looking for love on the boardwalk (one full of big hair, dark tans, and fights galore).”

  • “Gia danced around a little, shaking her peaches for show. She shook it hard. Too hard. In the middle of a shimmy, her stomach cramped. A fart slipped out. A loud one. And stinky.”
  • “He had an okay body. Not fat at all. And naturally toned abs. She could pour a shot of tequila down his belly and slurp it out of his navel without getting splashed in the face.”
  • “Only several months old, her boobs were virgin territory. She was eager for Tony to touch them, curious if it’d feel sexy, despite a slight post surgical loss of sensation.”
  • “Any juicehead will get some nut shrinkage. And bacne. They fly into a ‘roid rage, it is a ‘road’ ‘roid rage.”
  • “I love food. I love drinking, boys, dancing until my feet swell. I love my family, my friends, my job, my boss. And I love my body, especially the badonk.”
  • “Yum. Johnny Hulk tasted like fresh gorilla.”
  • “Gia had never before been in jail. It wasn’t nearly as gritty and disgusting as she’d seen on TV prison shows. The Seaside Heights drunk tank — on a weekday afternoon — was as clean and quiet as a church.”
  • “The white washcloth over his privates started to move. She gently glided her hand lower. The fabric made a tent. Dying to sneak a peak, Gia gently lifted the washcloth. Some of the skin was pale, and some burnt. He must have laid out limp, and now, when he got hard, the stretching caused red and white stripes. Gia couldn’t help herself. She started laughing. It looks like a perverted candy cane. But thicker, much thicker.”
  • “‘Holy cow, look at those udders!’ said Ed to himself, momentarily stunned by their splendor.”
  • “Groping between his waistband out and slipped her hand in. Groping between his legs, Gia found a couple of marbles in a tea bag and a measly worm. When she touched the worm, it twitched.”