The Oscars are coming! Here's some advice!

On February 27, the annual Academy Awards telecast will attempt to make millions of people interested in movies they didn’t care enough to see in the first place.

They’ll do so with glitz, celebrity drop-ins, gushy tributes, high fashion, and the wonderful sight of four people being devastated in each category.

As an inveterate Oscar watcher despite it all, I have some handy ideas for pepping up the show and grabbing way higher ratings than they ever imagined.

Here goes, for free:

*Serve booze. The Golden Globes are always more fun than the Oscars because the guests are flat-out drunk and not that self-conscious about the evening’s high-pressure antics. The Oscars should serve tray upon tray of ratings-making cocktails. It’s a recipe for absolute hilarity!

*Get rid of the Best Song category. It’s always ridiculously tedious and downright embarrassing since no one’s ever heard these songs before nor will they ever encounter them again, except maybe in the elevator of a psych hospital. But since a total abolition of the category’s not likely to happen considering the fact that they’ve already announced the nominees, just have Cher sing all five contenders. You can’t lose—and with her blasé style, she’s guaranteed not to play favorites!

*Don’t have first-time hosts James Franco and Anne Hathaway on too much. Just use them in short, vivid spurts—maybe three or four times throughout the show, tops. This way, if they’re bad, no one can get that offended, and if they’re amazing, they won’t become overexposed and lose their tantalizing glow. Less is more, people! Or just get Ricky Gervais!

*Lock the censors in a closet until the show is over. Last year, various comedy bits were cut for taste reasons, including a bunch of naughty Tiger Woods jokes that I was desperately looking forward to. This made no sense since nothing else about the Oscars is tasteful. It’s basically a barbaric contest gussied up with stylist-borrowed finery to make it seem vaguely civilized. Let the evening’s innate crassness come through, for the sake of entertainment and honor!

*Have the cameras swoop into the crowd at odd, unexpected moments to capture the anguished boredom on all the big stars’ faces. It will make us feel better about our own.

*Feel free to use some of the jokes I’ve been peddling all year about the big films. Like “The King’s Speech is basically Stutter Island.” I have more where that one came from. No, really, call me, Oscar. Let’s work it out.