New Year's hopes and dreams for 2011

1) Let’s not have any more hoax-umentaries!

You know, those incredible, shocking docs that turn out to be wink-wink p.r. stunts once the whistle’s blown. The one about Joaquin Phoenix, I’m Still Here, was tantalizingly enjoyable, as the former acting heavyweight cavorted with coke, hookers, and generally self-destructive behavior, until we learned that it was all a fake designed to actually build up his career. And there were serious doubts about the veracity of the Facebook saga Catfish, not to mention the complete truthfulness of the street-art epic Exit Through The Gift Shop. (When one of a film’s central talking heads has to have his face and voice blocked, you can’t be sure of anything). In 2011, let’s leave the murky journalism and put-ons to reality shows, OK?

2) Actually, let’s totally get rid of reality shows too!

They’re turning the country into a frothing community of barbarians with no sense of right or wrong, or true or false.   This won’t-die trend is transforming mere cretins into absolute animals! I’d kick in my TV if I didn’t need it as a bookshelf.

3) Also, no more sequels or prequels, if you please.

If the first movie was so great, the ending should have been satisfying enough to be the ending. Drawing more blood from a shimmery stone hasn’t creatively paid off since the Lord of the Rings trilogy. I will not by any means see another Harry Potter or Narnia, even if you paid me. Well, maybe if you paid me.

4) Stop with the 3D!

In the early days, that process actually meant something, and directors and cinematographers painstakingly used it for magical effects that bounced off the screen and into your face. Now, it’s just a de rigueur way to get another three bucks to bounce out of your billfold. I used to rejoice at invitations to animated films, but now I dread the insects gratuitously crawling up my nose—though in New York lately, they might be real–followed by the throbbing, five-alarm headache brought on by those clunky glasses. Oh, how I long for a flat screen that stays that way!

5) Can we stop giving awards to bland, medium-level teen acts like Justin Bieber and Taylor Swift?

It’s sort of OK with me that they exist and even that they seem to have found a fan base, but giving them trophies? That’s like putting a fast-food taco on the cover of a gourmet magazine.

6) And finally: Let’s not drum up any more “New Year’s hopes and dreams” blogs. They’ve become so clichéd!