Hooking up on Halloween

Follow the shirtless males. Now-that’s-what-I’m-talking-about! (Photo by Angela Weiss/Getty Images)

In my previous entry around here I introduced myself and gave you, the professional fag hag, some pointers about Halloween. I am at it again. This time I want to talk about something even more important than your Halloween costume. It is what we all want on Halloween, whether we’re willing to admit it or not.

Halloween is all about Hooking Up, natch.

And what better night than Halloween to let that inner ho come out and see the light of day. We know you’re nasty, so stop acting all prissy. Strip off that twin-set, Muffy. We’ve got men to go after.

Halloween is great for hooking up because…

No one knows who you are!

When wearing a wig and false lashes and hooker lipstick (Jodie Foster in Taxi Driver is a great costume, btw) no one will know it is you! This means you have free reign to pinch boys’ butts! And kiss the night away. Just be wary of flashing cameras. Facebook is not forgiving.

Guys are drunk.

Guys tend to drink on Halloween, the gay ones and especially the straight ones. And we all know the straights cannot hold their booze like us homos. So, this is your chance, lady! Take advantage of your power and their weakness. And claim what is yours!

You’ll be drunk.

Even better is the fact that you’ll be so wasted (your gay besties better be serving you shots all night) that you’ll have no hang-ups when approaching guys. Talk to them. Dance with them. Make out with them. Make out with them all! It’s OK. You’ll have no guilt the next day because you won’t remember what you did. And it is much better to be puking the day after Halloween than feeling guilt from your previous night’s behavior.

Gender is blurred.

I know you like us gay boys. Why else would you be reading this still, girl? Right? And Halloween is your chance to kiss as many gays as possible. On Halloween men dress as women. Women dress as men. Between the bisexual, hooker vampires and the Madonnas in wedding dresses you’re sure to confuse someone. So close your eyes, laugh out loud, and hook up! Heck, even kiss a girl. You hear me Katy Perry?

And if you don’t drink or if you’re too young to drink, this does not mean you cannot hook up on Halloween. Everyone is freer on Halloween, even the sober folks, so embrace the energy in the air and get your groove on.

Just promise me that you’ll be safe. That you’ll stick with your friends. And that you’ll dress up! The one person, gay or straight, male or female, who I can guarantee will not hook up on Halloween is the person who is too-cool-for-school. You know, the person who won’t dress up. Don’t be that loser! Your gay friends will never forgive you. Nor will I.