Halloween: The Gay Party Guide

Ke$HA + Sultry Cowboy = Party Perfection. (Photo by Angela Weiss/Getty Images)

The question that my girlfriends and I always have around Halloween is where to go? This is everything, honey. This is the most important decision. Where you go can make or break the night. You need to make the right decisions.

You have two basic choices: a) find the sickest, most off-the-hook party or b) throw your own. Both are great ideas that can pay off big-time. But both have the possibility of, you know, totally blowing. I’ve broken up with fag hags because of their awful parties, so be warned.

Let’s first tackle throwing your own party. This is work! You must have an ample amount of booze. I suggest punch, as you can cover the taste of cheap booze with Kool-Aid and frozen peaches. And, trust me, all gays love frozen peaches. Punch also invites guests to spike your concoction. Who wouldn’t like that!?

Music is a must. Remember, Halloween’s got a wicked vibe. You want your guests to delight in the evening’s, how do we say, um, more sinister side. Basically, you want an EYES WIDE SHUT kinda night, complete with group make-out sessions, sex, and sacrifices. Oops, I was only kidding about the sacrifices. Kinda.

Sorry, back to music. Think fun and dark. Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” mixed in with a little Nine Inch Nails. Grace Jones versus Lady Gaga. And no party is complete without the Halloween theme song. Nothing like Madonna mixed with Michael Myers to get your girlfriends and gurrrrlfriends (your gays) in the mood to celebrate.

Of course decorations are needed. Giant spiders. Jack-o-lanterns. Boiling witch’s kettles. Coffins. Basically the look you’re going for is Crypt Keeper meets Cher. It’s not easy to pull off.

So do you really have hundreds of dollars to buy booze and food and candy corns? Do you have hours upon hours to turn your tiny apartment into a glittery graveyard? Do you have time to create that perfect playlist?

No. I know. You barely have time to blow dry your hair before work. Trust me, we notice.

So you have no other option than to find a good party. And this is doable. All you need to do is this: find out where your hottest gay is going and invite yourself.

Gays are vain. We like eye-candy corn. We love Halloween because the guys with 6-packs and giant pecs are, how should I say this delicately, less inclined to think up an elaborate costume. Hell, they’re less inclined to think! You can quote me here: hot guys have a much higher chance to be ditzy. This is a proven fact.

Those same hot guys cannot be bothered with thinking. Thinking about a perfect costume! So they inevitably always dress as a boxer. Or a Chippendale. Or a hot shirtless zombie. Or a hot shirtless fireman. Or a, oh hell, who cares! They’re always hot and shirtless and everyone wants them at their party.

So hitch a ride on hottie’s Halloween plans and you’re set to end up in the best spots, drinking the best booze, dancing to the best music and hopefully dancing your ass off.

And for those of you who either don’t find a perfect party to crash or don’t throw one yourself, please, don’t fret. Most cities have parades. San Francisco, NYC, and LA have legendary Halloween events. Just head outside. Wherever there are wigs, heels, and Lady Gaga costumes, assuredly there are also fun gays.

Dress yourself up in the most ridiculous costume in the world and head out. Your inner beauty will be, for this night only, on display on the outside, as a vulgar, over-the-top, costume.

We gays love a costume and a straight girl sidekick. You’ll be in heaven wherever you are.