Costume Dos and Don'ts

These costumes are perrrrfect. (Photo by Angela Weiss/Getty Images)

Hi. I am Bradford. I am the big homosexual around Sundance Channel. Yes, Sundance hired me to be gay. I write the Homoculture column on the SUNfiltered blog and I am the cofounder of fabulis, a social network of 100K gay men and growing. They made the right decision in hiring me. I don’t think there is anyone gayer in this world. Except for maybe Boy George, Johnny Weir, and Liberace. But Liberace’s dead, so I’m claiming spot Number #3.

Well enough about me (oh yeah, I bet your best gay friend says that all the time too, and guess what, we don’t really mean it). But I do want to talk to you. The fruit fly! The fag hag! The girl at the club dancing in the corner with the sweaty sea of shirtless men. You, honey. We have something to discuss.

A national holiday is before us. Gay Christmas! The one day of the year it is totally acceptable to go to work dressed as Shakira. Or Bea Arthur. Or a fetish cop. Yes, Halloween, Miss Thing!

I know Halloween. And though I look super young (moisturize! moisturize! moisturize!) I have actually seen my fair share of Halloweens. Which is why I come to you, lady, with this list of Halloween Dos & Don’ts from GIRLS WHO LIKE BOYS WHO LIKE BOYS:

Do: Be current but sexy.
We all know your goal at the end of the night is make out with a hot guy, gay or straight. You want some action! Don’t we all? And though being Sarah Palin or a Christine O’Donnell/witch combo would be topical, they’re not sexy, unless you’re from Alaska or Delaware and if so you have bigger problems than your Halloween costume. May I suggest going as Ke$HA! Gay guys will totally want to dance with you and straight guys won’t even think you’re dressed up. They’ll just think you’re easy. Win-win situation.

Don’t: Wear a mask.
Seriously. You’re pretty. That’s why we, the gays, love women. We like their pretty faces. You may think you’re too thin, too fat, too tall, and too short. But you still have that face. And with a little make-up anyone can be pretty. So leave the masks for the men. Grab a blonde wig, pull up your skirt, and paint your face honey! You’d make a fierce Marilyn Monroe.

Do: Wear feathers and sequins and blue eye shadow.
This is the one night you can go all out. Remember, more is most definitely more.

Don’t: Spirit gum feathers on your nipples in lieu of a shirt.
Seriously, I did this to my girlfriend Denise and once it got hot her feathers fell off because of the the heat. She went from wearing a bird costume to wearing a stripper costume. Not cute.

Do: Dress up with your best gay friend.
OMG! Sonny and Cher (you’re Sonny, of course, and he’s Cher!) are my personal faves, but also go for: Jay Z and (pregnant Beyonce). A (Drag) King and Queen. Superman and Wonder Women. You get the drift.

Don’t: Wear uncomfortable shoes.
We know you can walk in heels, but your best gay friend, he may have issues a few hours into the night. Start coaching him now. This is where a fag hag can really make the difference on Halloween! Sensible pumps!

Do: Go for Gaga.
She’s everywhere and has given us so many looks to copy. You and your friends could all go as Gaga! Cover yourself in blood, make glasses out of cigarettes, and Just Dance! Gaga is appropriate for all sexes, shapes and age ranges.

Don’t: Wear a meat dress.
Maggots, hello!

Do: Have fun!
Dance the night away with gays and straights, boys and girls. And kiss as many boys as possible.

Don’t: Stay home.
You’re too much fun to waste it on a bag of Doritos. The gays need you, girl. Start hot-gluing that costume now!