Books: Our Bodies, Our Junk

You wait your whole life for a book making fun of hippie seventies sex manuals and then, boom, two come along in a month — what are the odds? But only one of them includes the top five pastry-related euphemisms for female genitalia, and only one of them includes a suggested list of effective safe words, including “rhubarb” and “I went to Camp Sea Gull in North Carolina.” And it’s even got line drawings, too. We’re talking about  Our Bodies Our Junk, a new book by five hilarious guys (alums of The Daily Show and The Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien, amongst others) who write under the guise of the Association for the Betterment of Sex. Our friend Todd Levin agreed to represent the ABS for a few of our only-slightly-insecure questions. (His co-writers are Scott Jacobson, Jason Roeder, Mike Sacks, and Ted Travelstead.)

EM & LO: You guys aren’t making fun of us, right? You’re just making fun of stuffy old seventies sex manuals…

THE ASSOCIATION FOR THE BETTERMENT OF SEX: Why does it always have to be about you? We were definitely inspired by all those 1970s sex manuals our (liberal) parents had lying around — the ones featuring tasteful pen and ink drawings of hippies going down on each other.

Why is sex so funny?

It’s probably all that poking around. But sex is especially funny when you try to explain how to do it, and it’s even funnier when you explain it all wrong.

When is sex not funny?

Sex is never funny when it’s happening to you, especially when you know afterwards you’ll have to spend a couple of hours re-applying your N’avi makeup.

Do you have any rules or guidelines for making up a new euphemism for masturbation?

Each of the book’s authors has his own particular method, but here’s one surefire formula: SPORTS ACTION VERB + WHAT YOU ATE FOR LUNCH TODAY = MASTURBATION EUPHEMISM. So, using today’s lunch as an example, “Dribbling my Linguini.”

We thought we knew everything about sex, but we had no idea there were 5 pastry-related euphemisms for female genitalia. Please enlighten us…

We’re learning new things all the time, and as sexperts it’s our job to always keep an ear to the streets. For instance, were you aware of a sexual party game called “Glow Holing?” It’s where everyone gathers in a room, turns out the lights, and anyone who wishes to perform oral sex simply chews a handful of Wint-O-Green Lifesavers. The candy creates sparks, illuminating your mouth like a lighthouse for genitals. Your teenaged kids are probably Glow Holing right now.

If the Association for the Betterment of Sex were in charge of sex ed across the country, what would you teach and at what age?

We think information is the best tool for good decision-making, so we’d insist on teaching the spectrum of sexual practices, from foreplay to post-cry, to every level of education. Of course, we would use hand puppets and body-stockings for lessons with younger children, and roll out the gym mats, scented oils, and our Coitus Volunteers, Rick and Kathy, for older, more mature kids — say, sixth graders.

Can you tell if someone’s a Democrat or Republican just by sleeping with them?

Yes, but only by the scent of their sexual secretions. A Democrat’s will produce an aroma that smells exactly like a Maine lobster roll, and Republicans usually smell like the inside of Ted Nugent’s falconry glove.

Finally, we thought we’d share with you the two most popular questions we’ve received from readers over the years, to see if you could help enlighten them. So, from the women first, the most popular question we get from the ladies is, How can I have an orgasm?

I believe there’s a kit, available in Sky Mall catalog.

And the men want to know, How can I increase the size of my penis?

There is no way to physically enlarge the size of your penis without using painful wooden splints, but employing tricks like forced perspective can make your penis appear larger. By making love before a mural of a foreshortened cityscape, you penis can appear to be the length of a side street or the height of a fifteen-story building. It’s all right there, in our book!

Our Bodies, Our Junk is on sale now