Bad Sex Advice at the Local Car Wash

Normally we don’t bother covering books that we think are terrible, but every now and then we can’t resist. There’s a book available for sale at a car wash (seriously) in L.A. called WTF? How to Survive 101 of Life’s Worst F-ing Situations. (That’s the name of the book, not the car wash, by the way.) And it turns out that one of life’s “worst f-ing situations” is when your girlfriend wants to be exclusive. Another f-ing disaster is when she wants to get a little kinky in the bedroom. It’s as if the authors are actually trying to piss us off. And it worked.

We’d like to be bigger people and not give this book the attention it clearly doesn’t deserve, but we’re childish and immature and instead we’re going to quote two passages from the book to prove how right we are. We might consider forgiving the authors if they were funny, but they’re not. So there.

The WTF Approach to Curbing the F-ing Kink

Option #1: Have Less Sex

The only way to make normal, “vanilla” sex exciting — or even worth doing — is to do it less often. Go on a trip, get sick, or just tell her that you have a headache. This will make her want sex more and appreciate any kind — even the boring kind that you’re capable of giving. However, there’s a risk with this strategy. She might feel that you are less interested in her, and therefore spend more time trying to seduce you in extra-kinky ways, such as lying on the coffee table spread eagle when you get home — with a bald eagle in her lap.

Option #2: Give Her to the Gardener

If you really can’t satisfy her appetite for wacky sex, find someone who can. Make the gardener or pool boy or your driver screw her silly. You might as well pay people to handle all your chores.

Option #3: Develop a Disgusting Fetish

One way to bring her kink down to a manageable level is to become too kinky yourself, thus scaring her into regular sex. If you are unseemly hairy or fat, wearing a simply lace teddy will turn down her kink in a heartbeat.

The WTF Approach to the F-ing [Exclusivity] Talk

Option #1: Too Inane to Quote Here

Option #2: Say “OK” — But Keep Playing the Field

The truth of the matter is you never signed up for this, and it’s unfair that she alone define the dynamics of your relationship. You may like her the best out of the women you’re dating, but you need more time to see if you want to get exclusive.


photo by jcestnik