The 347th reason why it was good to be an eighties child

At least once a week we’re reminded how glad we are that we were teens in the eighties and not today. Take clothes, for example — when we were in high school, it was actually cool to wear men’s XL Champion sweatshirts and baggy boxer-style shorts. Sure, we all regret pegging our jeans, but it was a small price to pay for having a modicum of privacy and disguise during those awkward years. We actually blush when we see what 14-year-old girls wear today.

Well, this week’s thank-god-we’re-eighties-girls moment comes via a story in The Seattle Times about three 14-year-old students who were suspended: two of them for engaging in oral sex on the back of the school bus, and one of them (a girl) for taping it on her phone. Now, we may be wrong — and Em, for one, wasn’t cool enough to get anywhere near the back of her school bus — but we’re pretty sure there wasn’t any oral sex going on back there in the eighties. And we’re 100% sure there wasn’t anyone around to tape it if it was. It’s almost enough to make us find our inner Dr. Laura and ask parents to lock up their children (almost).

Seriously, though, how the hell do parents of 14-year-olds stay sane? And how do you explain to your daughter that she will probably regret giving a guy a public blowjob and letting her friend tape it? (Okay, for the record, the news story just says “oral sex,” but we don’t think anyone suspects there was any cunnilingus happening on the back seat.) Also, how come the recent eighties fashion revival gave us the god-awful shoulder pads and unflattering leggings but none of the over-size clothing or basic common sense?