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Eight Sequels We Never Want To See

It’s been the most sequely, prequely, shmequely summer since the last one, proving that the studios really need to start drawing the line before any more grating spinoffs spin into our psyches and wallets.

Here are the sequels that should be forbidden by law from ever getting the green light into harsh reality.

1) Precious 2 (based on the novel by blah blah blah).Our girl Precious is full of newfound confidence, having become extremely literate, well rounded, and popular.  Even her meds are kicking in big time. Zzzz.

2) Shrek 5. Remember Shrek 4, where the title ogre got his wish to basically go back to Shrek 1 so he could—without any contrivance at all—meet all the other characters all over again? Well, this time, he’ll want to go back to Shrek 2!

3) Slumdog Millionaire Part Deux.  In this go-round, Jamal and Latika appear on The Newlywed Game, where their answers keep matching, causing suspicion on the part of the corrupt producers who are horrified that a real couple might have wandered onto their bogus show. They proceed to drag the lovebirds backstage and string them up, where they’re tortured into revealing how they learned all those answers, via flashbacks.

4) Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs 2: This Time It’s Pepperoni. The weather turns even more fattening as the cholesterol-conscious residents of Swallow Falls run for their lives—though the local porn stars seem mildly excited.

5) The Taking of Pelham 456: The unwanted remake gets an even less wanted sequel, this one about a mariachi band that holds subway passengers hostage until they fork over a quarter.

6) Night at the Museum: Battle of Planet Hollywood: The ruby slippers dance out of their display case to pick a fight with Emma Peel’s boots, prompting Rocky Balboa’s boxing gloves to beat them both into submission. When the battle is resolved, the leather chaps from Brokeback Mountain dance a feisty jig as the pinot noir bottle from Sideways toasts itself. Ben Stiller stars as the waiter who serves patrons overpriced burgers.

7) Frost/Nixon 2: The long awaited film about British TV personality David Frost’s legendary series of interviews with Cynthia Nixon about that other dubious sequel,Sex and the City 2. (That reminds me: Let’s please not have Sex and the City 3: The Road to Palestine.I’m begging.)

8) Friday The 13th: Part VIII. Can you imagine anything more diabolically unnecessary than that idea? And it can’t be stopped. In fact, it came out in 1989!

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