Books: Every Rose Has Its Thorn

We really should have some kind of back-stabbing, cat-fighting (or at least pillow-fighting) relationship with Erin Bradley — author of the new book Every Rose Has Its Thorn: The Rock ‘n’ Roll Field Guide to Guys seeing as she picked up where we left off at She’s been their advice lady now for five years. But we’re bigger people than that. Okay, we’re not, but she’s really sweet and very funny and gives solid advice — what’s not to like?

The book examines ten different types of guys, based on rock stars you know and love-slash-hate, as a means of giving straight women advice about their dating and sex lives. In other words, there’s a lot to be learned from trying to figure out if Morrissey would make a better boyfriend or booty call. If we were to judge a book by its cover, we’d never have picked this one up. But fortunately we’re not that superficial (and fortunately it’s much cooler-looking inside). Here are some of our favorite quotes about the ten different types covered in the book:

  1. Bad Company (e.g. Pete Doherty): You get involved with Bad Company because you think he’s so cool and so artistic and so interesting, but it’s like, if you don’t have clean underwear, how smart can you be?
  2. Johnny B. Goode (e.g. Moby, Chris Martin): He’s the guy who will spend the afternoon working with injured birds of prey and then proceed to get in a vicious fight with your grandpa about politics, despite your prepping him the whole week before not to bring up bisexuality, France, or Barack Obama.
  3. Sexy Motherfucker (e.g. Mick Jagger, Prince): Sexy Motherfucker looks better in your panties than you do. When his man package isn’t prominent it’s like he’s no longer himself. He’s disliked by your father and liked perhaps a little too much by your mother and sister.
  4. Mannish Boy (e.g. Beastie Boys): Owns a gorilla suit, but not an interview suit. Takes you to an ironic restaurant for your anniversary.
  5. Part-Time Lover (e.g. Tommy Lee): He’s not your “boyfriend,” but you’ve been together ten years. You’ve broken up with him so many times you no longer bother updating friends, family, or Facebook.
  6. Mr. Big Stuff (e.g. Mark McGrath): Calls you a “delightful tomboy” because you don’t make daily use of stilettos and hot rollers.
  7. The Boy with the Thorn in His Side (e.g. Morrissey): Turn-ons include tears, monogamy, needing, being needed, abrasive ex-girlfriends, noncompetitive sports, journaling, masturbatory fantasies centered around being dominated by Parker Posey, diet soda.
  8. Sweet Child O’Mine (e.g. Jonas Brothers): He thinks that everything that comes out of his mouth is deep and preaches about the importance of self-reliance as espoused by Emerson and Thoreau while remaining firmly on Mom and Dad’s payroll.
  9. Father Figure (e.g. Barry White, Bruce Springsteen): He has lots of baggage but really nice luggage.
  10. Mr. Roboto (e.g. David Byrne): Genius intellectually. Idiot emotionally. Backs up all your computer files instead of buying you flowers.

Every Rose Has Its Thorn: The Rock ‘n’ Roll Field Guide to Guys is on sale now