The Horrible Truth About Celebrity Tweeting

As someone who follows celebrities for a living, I’ve found that they’re fascinating creatures who radiate excitement and sex appeal in everything they do—except tweeting!

I know this because the second I joined Twitter a few months ago, I started “following” any celebrity I could track down there, anxious to eavesdrop on whatever stellar utterances were available to me thanks to this trendy form of techno-networking. But just as quickly, I was bored into submission by the fact that in this context, bold-face luminaries are every bit as trivial and fatuous as you and me!

Something about the short-message format lends itself to a deadening banality that I’d advise any star to stay away from in favor of some mystery and glamour. They should go back to just blogging!

Most celebs simply tweet as just another self-promotional tool, especially Lady Gaga (or whoever tweets for her as she’s out there making money). The woman puts out a steady stream of links to her videos and behind-the-scenes features about them, on the off chance that you may have missed them in every other medium. Thanks for sharing!

Similarly, Maria Shriver keeps linking to the site for The Women’s Conference, with a big picture of Maria at the podium on top, and Jane Fonda sent multiple reminders about World Fitness Day in Atlanta, complete with registration information.

At least Britney Spears alternates the self-promotion with updates about her life in high culture. (“I saw Alice in Wonderland. It was soooo good!”). And Paris Hilton also fills you in on her movie watching exploits (She just caught up with Zoolander in between reminders of her deep love for animals and the really nice lunches she has with humans like mom and sis. And by the way, she just shot Ellen’s show “and Ellen is amazing.”)

Of course the flip side of the promoting comes when celebs stroke other celebs, a practice I find just as tiresome, making me feel trapped in one of those insufferable cocktail parties. The genuinely upbeat Adam Lambert loves to tweet stuff like “Jane Lynch is genius!” and “To Boy George: U are one of the original glam gods!” It’s kind of sweet, but if you’re a fan of Adam’s, you really should know: He’s a fan too!

Even the legendary Liz Taylor pounded out a rare tweet to say that she loves the Kathy Ireland Monkey Mischief tea set available at Neiman Marcus! Did I need my glamorous image of a great screen icon shattered for something that mundane?

Occasionally, a celebrity will actually reveal some real feeling on Twitter, but even then it usually has a “duh” air about it. (Lindsay Lohan: “My father is a liar.”) Even more occasionally, there’ll be some actual information dispersed (like Jim Carrey announcing his breakup with Jenny McCarthy via a short but bittersweet tweet), but that’s only to hook you for the next five years of utter routineness.

Still, I’ll keep reading the stuff in hopes of a revelation or two—in between sending out links to my own work, of course.