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Fun Facts from a Certified Cynic

Clarence Thomas Supreme Court

U.S. Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas (left). Justice nominees should henceforth be determined on how well their poker face holds when boredom ensues. (Photo by Alex Wong/Getty Images)

Aha! So finally Mercury got the hell out of retrograde — and miraculously all my phones, tv, electronica and communications issues were solved! Seriously. I was having a helluva bad MiR (Mercury in retrograde) hangover (hence the lateness of this column — the issues I had to deal with!). In a horrid way, it did make me feel better that I was not alone — that everyone else was having hideous issues with, well, everything.  Misery loves company!

In other news, I started smoking again. Oof. So I am quitting again. Watch out, world! The bitch is back! So I randomly collected some fun facts this week, since all I could do was sit on my sofa and hope for MiR to leave me relatively unscathed:

Fun fact #1: Smoking has the highest recidivism rate of any drug, including heroin. Maybe I should stop cold turkey and not use nicotine pills — but am terrified of my ass getting fat again. I love it: I’ll get cancer because of my narcissism over my ass.

Fun fact #2: Clarence Thomas hasn’t asked a single question on the Supreme Court bench in four years. Not a ONE! In the most intellectually interesting job in the world, he is basically painting eyeballs on his eyelids and falling asleep, only to wake to concur with Scalia. He actually thought that a child of 14 should go to prison for the rest of his life for robbing a liquor store. He’s also married to a Tea Party activist. ‘Nuff said.

Fun Fact #3: Karl hates farts. I don know why. He just does. If anyone farts near him (ahem!) he gets up, walks over, gives them the hairy eyeball and stalks off to his doggie bed under the kitchen table.

Fun fact #4: Network TV sucks. NBC is run by frat boys, ABC and CBS seem to be run by geriatrics, and what the hell are they gonna do when Google TV comes out? Seriously. Mark my words: Networks are gonna go through a major implosion in like 5 years when all the old guys — who are terrified of “the interwebs” — finally retire with huge severances or are pushed out by young Turks. Sadly, this will take 5 years. Some of those grasps on power are really strong!

Fun fact #5: Being a Muslim and an American are not mutually exclusive, Fox News!

Fun fact #6: This is one of the best videos on YouTube: Original Midget Superstar.

Speaking of which — I have decided to start my own YouTube channel — so subscribe. I’m going to start doing my own videos, etc. Mostly because my book, Mercury in Retrograde. Comes out June 1, and I have to start promoting it… oof! Seriously – if you need a great chick lit summer read – buy it! Buy 10! Give em to all your friends!