The 10 Most Annoying Types of Customers at the Cineplex

1) The ones that climb over you to go to the bathroom. Eight times!! Wear diapers!

2) The ones that loudly narrate the whole film, either because they’re unable to differentiate it from a TV show or because they’re trying to make sense of the plot by talking themselves through it. When it’s something as simple as THE TOOTH FAIRY, this can get a little annoying.

3) Similarly: People who ask obvious questions all through the film, blaring out their ignorance with every query. “Who’s that?…Why is she looking at him like that?….Where’s he going?…” I’m still emotionally scarred from the time decades ago when my brain-dead companion seriously screeched, “So what IS Sophie’s choice, anyway?”

4) People who shoosh you when you’re softly chatting during the previews. But talking over the trailers is perfectly OK! Once the actual film starts, THAT’S when the silent time begins. Duh.

5) The ones who bring screaming, restless children to movies they obviously aren’t going to like, thereby destroying the chance that anyone else will enjoy it either. (Kids at THE ROAD? Hello??? Though I guess it’s nice that SOMEBODY paid.)

6) Ding dongs who text all through a film, with no sense that this might not be the proper place for the frantic communication of inanities. It’s deeply depressing that people can’t even prioritize enough to know that they should wait till the entertainment they just paid for is over before they start discussing the next entertainment they’re going to pay for.

7) Cretins who actually answer the phone during a movie! “Hi! I’m at Alice in Wonderland…ALICE IN…Oh, never mind. I can’t figure out the plot anyway. Are you gonna meet me later at the…? Uh-oh! The cat is in my face!…THE CAT IS IN MY…Hello?”

8) Losers sitting behind you who continually bang into your chair, creating an irritating special effect that can turn an art film into an amusement park ride. Watching Helen Mirren play Mrs. Tolstoy in a costume drama doesn’t exactly lend itself to Sensurround.

9) People who’ve seen the movie already–or maybe they just saw the trailer without talking through it—and are desperate to make you aware that they know every plot twist. “Here’s where the chick turns out to be a dude…And then they’re gonna kiss and drive off a cliff…By the way, they’re both mental patients who only THINK they’re detectives…But guess what? They’re already dead!”

10) Folks who don’t go at all because they’re rather stay home and watch Jersey Shore. They’re destroying the economy!