The Six Worst Moments From Last Night’s Oscars

1)  Starting the show with the 10 lead acting nominees having to take the stage and smile for the cameras. Doesn’t the rest of the evening torture them enough?

2)  The clips for the 10, count ‘em 10, Best Picture nominees. Add them up and they were longer than some of the films themselves! Besides, way back in 1939, the 10 nominees were instant classics like GONE WITH THE WIND, STAGECOACH, and THE WIZARD OF OZ. But this year? THE BLIND SIDE and DISTRICT 9! Let’s go back to just five. No, make it three!

3)  The way the cameras kept zooming in on the front runners right after they lost.  When THE HURT LOCKER won Best Original Screenplay, they closed in on a shaken Quentin Tarantino. After PRECIOUS bagged Best Adapted Screenplay, they cut to a sweaty Jason Reitman. Even when AVATAR lost some sound award, they cut to Zoe Saldana and Sam Worthington. This practice totally appealed to the sadist in me, but for the sake of others with some heart, let’s only watch people squirm before they lose from now on.

4)  The modern dance medley of Best Score nominees. Canning the horrid performances of the Best Song numbers was a great idea (“Jai Ho” anyone?), but they simply replaced it with a bunch of Gap-wearing Twyla types breakdancing to SHERLOCK HOLMES music and doing the robot to UP! Eek.

5)  The condescending costume design lady who started her speech with “I already have two of these.” She tied for worst speech with the PRECIOUS writer who stood there dumbfounded, admitting he was drawing a blank. But you won for writing!

6)  The testimonials given by the nominees’ costars from dreck like S.W.A.T.and HOPE FLOATS. I’ve gotten friends to write recommendation letters to co-op boards that were more persuasive than that.

By the way, there were some really good moments too—mainly the ones that didn’t happen because they were censored! Ben Stiller was funny as a click-talking N’avi but he was originally supposed to be joined by Sasha Baron Cohen as a female N’avi who’s pregnant with the love child of James Cameron. Alas, that bit was axed so as not offend the uppity director (as if he was going to flee the theater on the night his movie was competing for bunches of awards). And Tiger Woods jokes were slashed because they weren’t in the best of taste. Huh? Isn’t bad taste exactly what the Oscars have always celebrated? This Oscars was too tasteful! Too informative! Too slow! But I hope it wins the Emmy!